Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Religious 'Innovations' for Christmas

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  • Julian Melville,

    Re the "weapon of mass distraction" - here's the perfect moment from Black Books:

    I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 199 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    In Big Time Tom Waits tells a story about a shop selling "used erotica".

    OMG... I've got this psycho-physical disability where I can't walk past an unfamiliar bookshop, and last time I was in Oz discovered this charming book exchange where about 75% of the stock was 'pre-owned adult entertainment'. (Really.) Just to make things super-freaky it was all meticulously bagged and organised by condition, title, year, special interest (if applicable) etc. Like a comic book convention for tight-fisted (or nostalgic) onanists.

    Just to add insult to injury, the old lady minding the counter looked like she'd just come from a parish coffee morning, and my Inner Puritan was screaming "don't touch anything, or you'll be stuck fast until a mutant strain of the clap eats you alive!"

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12363 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I've bought a vibrator from the supermarket the other day, batteries included. It's ribbed, studded, and has a clit-tickler. My mouth orgasms every time I stick it in with the sleazy mint flavoured paste they recommend. Then I floss, and no one is any the wiser that I wasn't just brushing my teeth.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10504 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Just to make things super-freaky it was all meticulously bagged and organised by condition, title, year, special interest (if applicable) etc. Like a comic book convention for tight-fisted (or nostalgic) onanists.

    I think that's to discourage excessive browsing, which seems to be a 'one guy at a time' job, and they want it not to be a 'one guy all day' caper. I hate to think how bad the condition could be, though.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10504 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Just to add insult to injury, the old lady minding the counter looked like she'd just come from a parish coffee morning

    A very dear friend of mine, while in Blenheim:

    But you know how small second hand bookshops run by grandmotherly old ladies always have the small dirty book section that no one ever buys anything from but everyone always looks at? I had a quick look at that, as one does. And it was all, quite hardcore, gay porn.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4620 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    You know who else likes ugly clothes you can order off the internet? Oprah does.

    As part of her recent "Oprah's Favourite Things" special, she has a hideous lounging outfit whose primary function is surely that of a contraception.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Kebabette,

    Thanks Robyn

    That is some bilious fashion indeed. I'll stick with my velour J Lo lounging apparel look.

    Christchurch • Since Feb 2007 • 214 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    You know who else likes ugly clothes you can order off the internet?

    I always feel as though the answer to a rhetorical interweb question like that is going to be a triumphant 'Hitler!' (And actually, having looked at the outfit, perhaps I'm not far off. Shudder.)

    I haven't looked at the Slate article because I'm at work, but I hope they noted that Victorian women suffering from 'hysteria' were often sent to doctors to be masturbated out of it. Eat your heart out, Barbarella.

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • Neil Morrison,

    a hideous lounging outfit

    is Obama the one on the right?

    Since Nov 2006 • 932 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Hosking,

    Excuse me while I take my vibe-o-corn to church.

    Should put a bit of feeling into those 'hallelujiahs!'s, anyway.

    South Roseneath • Since Nov 2006 • 830 posts Report Reply

  • InternationalObserver,

    From the Slate link on Page 1:

    In 1999, Rachel Maines published The Technology of Orgasm, a provocative history of the vibrator that she spent 20 years researching .... Fearing that her new line of academic inquiry might offend alumni, Clarkson University fired Maines. The Technology of Orgasm has become one of the best-selling histories of technology of all time.

    Which doesn't prove that Clarkson U did the wrong thing, just that there are a lot of perverts out there. WWJD?

    The invention, which toysinmotion.com recently began selling, is a special motor that serves as a connection between a cordless screwdriver and a conventional vibrator. Unlike other similar machines on the market, its inventor contends, it thrusts and swivels, thereby eliminating any need for labor on the part of the user.

    EMMA sed: That's got to be some kind of benchmark, doesn't it, a society that's got too lazy to masturbate?

    And you just know it was invented by a man. Men are so lazy they get their wives to masturbate themselves so they don't have to actually do anything. And just in case your wife suggest maybe you could operate the apparatus, a man has invented a device that requires no effort all. So lazy men can continue sitting back and doing nothing while their wives are pleasured. And since your hands are now free Luv, do think you'd mind ...?

    Thrillhammer entrepreneur Allen Stein with performance artist Rubberdoll. Photograph courtesy of www.thethrillhammer.com.

    Mr Thrillhammer looks suspiciously like Graeme Hill, birdfancier.
    And Allen Stein is just the sort of alias he'd come up with too.

    Since Jun 2007 • 909 posts Report Reply

  • InternationalObserver,

    Since Jun 2007 • 909 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Those are the fashions of the future. You laugh now, oldtimers....

    I was wondering how this thread could be Godwinned. In this case, it seems that Godwin himself is to blame, just for having a theory. I blame Hitler for Godwin, and all that mention Godwin are just like Hitler.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10504 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    And you just know it was invented by a man

    Come on now, you know testing is part of development. I'm sure there were a lot of women who worked hard perfecting this device. About as hard as the aforementioned husbands.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10504 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Hosking,

    This thread has become fascinating on so many levels, and I jsut want to say a great big HI! to those hundreds of lurkers I know are watching at the moment.

    South Roseneath • Since Nov 2006 • 830 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    This thread has become fascinating on so many levels, and I jsut want to say a great big HI! to those hundreds of lurkers I know are watching at the moment.

    I just went to the supermarket, and the hand-mixer attachments looked a bit dodgy. I blame this thread. And through it, David.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4620 posts Report Reply

  • Joanna,

    As part of her recent "Oprah's Favourite Things" special, she has a hideous lounging outfit whose primary function is surely that of a contraception.

    To steal from The Hater, is it Oprah's favourite thing or a clear sign of clinical depression?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 746 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    I've bought a vibrator from the supermarket the other day, batteries included. It's ribbed, studded, and has a clit-tickler. My mouth orgasms every time I stick it in with the sleazy mint flavoured paste they recommend. Then I floss, and no one is any the wiser that I wasn't just brushing my teeth.

    I'm not sure why I know this, but doctors have warned against using electric toothbrushes on other parts of your body. Apparently kills the sensitive nerves and skin quite seriously.

    Umm, yes, back to your gay porn bookshops now.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6242 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    To steal from The Hater, is it Oprah's favourite thing or a clear sign of clinical depression?

    I was briefly interested in O's Guide to Life, but it turned out to not be the O I was thinking of.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4620 posts Report Reply

  • rodgerd,

    tight-fisted ... onanists

    Tell me that wasn't intentional, Craig.

    (What do you get a tight-fisted onanist? Some sort of soothing cream for the rubbed-raw bits, I guess)

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 512 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Tell me that wasn't intentional, Craig.

    I could but that would be an not-so-little off-white lie. I noticed it, but then thought "forget it, good taste has already run screaming from the building".

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12363 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    Robyn, where can I get one of those Oprah outfits?

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1444 posts Report Reply

  • Leigh Kennaway,

    A sign I saw in a junk shop window in Chapel St, Melbourne last year;
    To the nice young man who wanted to buy pornography for his sister..... I found a November 1983 Playboy for you!

    Unfortunately the shop was closed when I wandered past, so I never found out if it was staffed by another member of the parish coffee circle - whoever it was has great customer skills anyway!!

    Western Bays • Since Feb 2007 • 79 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Robyn, where can I get one of those Oprah outfits?

    Oprah links to Amazon.com. Personally, I'm waiting till Farmers do a knock-off.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Andrew,

    Robyn, where can I get one of those Oprah outfits?

    A sewing machine - $100 off Trademe
    Discount fabric - $20 Spotlight
    A hard night on the Absinthe - $50 Liquorland
    A spot on Oprah's best-dressed list - Priceless

    Hamiltron - City of the F… • Since Nov 2006 • 895 posts Report Reply

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