Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Sir Roger Tipped As New Minister for Zoos

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  • Danielle,

    It's funny because it's true. Sigh.

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report

  • Joe Wylie,

    Here's an industry that I'm sure Roger would agree has huge potential in NZ, and would empower a whole lot of small animals with a sense of purpose that they currently lack. A healthy stack of those special vouchers should get it up and self-sustaining in no time, with a special consultancy role for Winston who has heaps of related experience.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4593 posts Report

  • Jake Pollock,

    ACT to reinstate law of jungle.

    Raumati South • Since Nov 2006 • 489 posts Report

  • Dylan Mordaunt,

    Brilliant. Agree with Danielle, couldn't help but sigh- David Haywood's own 'Animal Farm'.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2007 • 22 posts Report

  • Julie Fairey,

    Well I think it's a little unfair on the hippos and giraffes. But then that's Act for you ;-)

    I think at most zoos the otters and seals would be big winners. Perhaps we could encourage them to take over less well-performing animals and see if they can help them lift their game?

    Puketapapa Mt Roskill, AK… • Since Dec 2007 • 234 posts Report

  • Paul Campbell,

    But you know then Darwin takes over - I want to be there when he goes into the hippo cage to explain the new management policies .....

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2623 posts Report

  • Richard Bol,

    It's funny because it's true. Sigh.

    Sadly, it is. What David wrote about has been ACT policy for some time.
    See Having your kiwi and eating it too, a 2004 speech by then ACT MP Gerry Eckhoff:

    If trade works for so-called exotic introduced species like sheep and cattle, why should it not work for indigenous species?

    If a highly valued sheep or cattle beast is exported in comfort and security to some foreign clime to breed happily while increasing the gene pool in that country then what�s the problem?

    So why not the kea, kaka, kakapo or kiwi?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 32 posts Report

  • Phil Sargent,

    Great post David. Satire is set to become the new growth industry methinks....

    Since Nov 2006 • 28 posts Report

  • Kumara Republic,

    Like that time when Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau endorsed Dubya because "he'd be good for the comedy industry."

    The southernmost capital … • Since Nov 2006 • 5446 posts Report

  • Jake Pollock,

    I remember reading an article in early 2001 to the effect that it might not be so bad having Bush as a president, because some great music would come out of it. I think whoever wrote that got more than they bargained for.

    Raumati South • Since Nov 2006 • 489 posts Report

  • Tommy Honey,

    and now we are blessed with the Coalition of the Wallys...

    Pipitea • Since Mar 2008 • 7 posts Report

  • Paul Litterick,

    I think at most zoos the otters and seals would be big winners. Perhaps we could encourage them to take over less well-performing animals and see if they can help them lift their game?

    Political Correctness gone mad! Otters and seals punch above their weight because they anthropomorphic. They should not be held back by lesser animals, which should take responsibility for their own evolution. In the dog-eat-dog world of the modern zoo, it is only the cutest that survive.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report

  • David Haywood,

    Paul Litterick wrote:

    In the dog-eat-dog world of the modern zoo, it is only the cutest that survive.

    That's a good point, Paul. As I understand it, under ACT's proposed plan, the dog-eat-dog system will actually be official zoo policy. I quote from their election manifesto:

    As part of our "Tomorrow's Zoos" policy, new revenue streams will be facilitated via the implementation of a scheme whereby financially unappealing dogs such as Yorkshire terriers are fed to economically-successful dogs such as rottweilers and Alaskan malamutes.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report

  • George Darroch,

    Political Correctness gone mad!

    It's time to remove the rules and regulation surrounding zoos, which are an assault on our rights.

    People should be allowed to visit zoos without the state interfering in their lives and mandating unfair and costly 'fences' and 'moats', which harm the livelihoods of small zoo operators. People are good judges of their own self-interest, and animals are thus of no potential harm. The only harm is that inflicted by the state. Children will have their parents to decide what is best for them.

    WLG • Since Nov 2006 • 2264 posts Report

  • tussock,

    Meanwhile, from the Hollow Men Consultation Corporation, Ltd.

    Oh, come now, zoos are a tired policy, we need a change.


    What? That is a complete policy paper. You can trust me, I'm a banker. No, they went bankrupt after I left. Did I mention I wanted to be Prime Minister when I was young?

    Since Nov 2006 • 611 posts Report

  • dc_red,

    For too long, zoos have made inefficient choices, selecting sleepy animals that provide minimal entertainment value. There's a reason children, who know their own interests, flock to the meercats while leaving the big cats - such as the somnambulist lion - asleep under the concrete baobab tree.

    Those tiger cubs at Auckland Zoo are allegedly only awake for 20 minutes at a time during the day! Imagine if an elderly MP was only awake for 20 minutes at a time during Parliament! Now, if Nanny State didn't intervene, we could give both the tiger cubs, and the elderly MP, a pick-me-up in the form of an amphetamine of some sort.

    Oil Patch, Alberta • Since Nov 2006 • 706 posts Report

  • Paul Litterick,

    Guys, we need to think outside the cage here. Yes, that's it! Let the animals loose, so they can live in the community. Then we all become strategic stakeholders in the zoo enterprise. New Zealand will become one big zoo, filled with exotic animals, not all of which are deadly.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report

  • Joe Wylie,

    New Zealand will become one big zoo, filled with exotic animals, not all of which are deadly.

    Where have I heard that economic model before?
    Pokemon, I'm gonna catch 'em all . . .

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4593 posts Report

  • Benjamin Franzmayr,

    You could feed a lot of meercats with those hippos.

    Palmerston North, New Zea… • Since Nov 2006 • 15 posts Report

  • Tim Michie,

    Surely a zoo's assets should depreciate over time?

    That Turtle Soup roght there. Or rather, here.

    And popular or not, that dragon is clearly sedimentary...

    Auckward • Since Nov 2006 • 614 posts Report

  • Jason Kemp,

    I thought Roger was wonderful theatre just a week too late for Halloween though.

    The concrete dragon at Auckland zo is easily the most popular attraction there. Oops hope no-one for Act is reading this...

    The zoo story reminds me of another story I came across regarding an orchestra and why we should sack most of them cause they just sit around waiting for their part in the music.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 368 posts Report

  • Bart Janssen,

    "Obviously, it's only a small step from Minister of Zoos to Minister of Tertiary Education,"

    Leaked documents recently indicated that ACT's plans for tertiary funding have been modeled closely on the the soon to be wildly successful Zoo model.

    By replacing complex funding rounds full of detailed scientific and commercial analysis with three 3 minute rounds of no-hold-barred wrestling they expect to dramatically shorten the funding process. At they same time turning the costly process into a money earner by selling pay-per-view rights.

    Sources in the tertiary sector support the idea saying "it will totally bust the myth of wimpy geeks in ivory towers" although a spokesperson from the school of fine arts expressed some concern that this could see a shift in funding towards the engineering school.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report

  • Ross Mason,

    Every Zoo in the country should beware. Zoozan Wood, Zoozan Couch (now Winstone is gorn), Zoozan Kedgley (the Big Mac she has in her washhouse would feed a zoo for years). It wouldn't do though. Lions ravishing corn fields for sustanance just isn't a goer...

    But isn't it incredible that JK has eschewed Roger in all his morphed forms from any part of his government? What's even scarier is the thought that JK might have picked up a few monetary morals afterall!!! Times HAVE changed.

    Ummm....Who WAS that "lean mean machine" who was complaining about Winstone's "baubles of office"? ....well at least now he can be the ballboy.

    Oh to the Chimps Tea Party for a cuppa.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report

  • Elizabeth,

    This is hilarious, David. And the replies are so funny too. Scary thing is how real a prospect it is now.
    I am waiting for the shock therapy to start now in NZ. A financial crisis (requisite disaster for Friedman apologists). Five scary neocon's in Govt. Wait for it....let's hope that Key chap has the cojones to stick to the promises that sucked the gullible Kiwis in and keep Douglas away from any influence.

    Kapiti • Since Nov 2008 • 20 posts Report

  • Rich of Observationz,

    Wellington Zoo survived the unfortunate biosecurity incident documented in Braindead - now Roger's going to finally f**k it up. Bloody zombies!

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 5550 posts Report

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