Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: This Week in Parliament: 26 January 2015 - 30 January 2015

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  • Ross Mason,

    A few ideas for Mr Guy to consider when deciding which technique to use. My experience of de-balling various animals; lambs, piglets, Self (partial).

    Lambs had the most variation. Rubber ring is the first: But my pelvic muscles keep tightening as I consider why the poor wee lamby, after about 3 minutes of vigorous activity immediately after the rubber takes the strain, suddenly wants to pant and lay down for 30 minutes. I know the deep deep ache he suffers. The Hot Iron: A gas axed piece of ….axe….welded to a decent blow torch supplied the sizzle that enabled the operator to just lean on the tail…..oh wait a minute, we are talking about balls…..The Lickety Split Knife: A quick slice of the tip of the scrotum and a squeeze above the balls would cause them to poke out the bottom. Leaning forward one could then grasp the end of a ball with ones front teeth and with a gentle pull, strip the ball from its warm home. Repeat with the other and voila! A hollow scrotum. Pigs and razor blades: Hang your piggy over the rail with the bum and balls facing on top. A slice over each ball and a squeeze and the pop out like a zit. A quick yank on each, a splash of dettol and piggy goes a running. Whch brings me to a semi towny story. A friend of mine heard of these exploits and did not wish himself to do the deed. I volunteered and headed off to the farmlet. Catching the wee piggies took a bit of time. Hanging the first one over the fence I looked. I looked again. I looked at my friend and asked him if he noticed where his little piggy piddled from. Both wee piggies were girls…….I always wondered why he only had one child…..Self (partial): While watching my numbed parts being disemboweled so that I didn’t need “the little rubber thing”, The two helpers were slicing and dicing the inner sanctum. The vas emerged between two clamps, the cut made and one clamp was released which was good. The other the nice lady missed the release for a fraction of a second. The sudden stretch and release twanged the vas right back into it’s spot and the pang sank deep deep into my semidetached testicle. Oh the pain…..

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1585 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    Speaking of personal hygiene and furtive grappling
    - I give you the ever excellent L.E.D.s

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7848 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood, in reply to Ross Mason,

    Oh. My. God.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen, in reply to Ross Mason,

    Taking TMI to a whole new level

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4445 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Taking TMI to a whole new level

    I'm still reading Evan Yate's reviews of the Veet cream (of which I have a tube) I'm amazed at the amount of names given to male external genitalia. Whoever imagined a log cabin not being a ,well, log cabin! :)

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6796 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes,

    Talking of BOLLOCKS...

    Appearing on TVNZ's Breakfast show this morning, Mr Key said Catton's views on politics shouldn't be taken any differently than those of any other New Zealander.

    "She has no particular great insights into politics, she is a fictional writer. I have great respect for her as a fictional writer [sic]."

    Mr Key conceded he had read some, but not all of the Luminaries.

    I think these questions should be asked.... "Mr Key, exactly how many of the luminaries have you read?" and "Are you aware that Eleanor Catton is , akshully, a real person?."

    Peria • Since Dec 2006 • 5521 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel, in reply to Steve Barnes,

    Attachment

    Shine on you crazy dire man…

    I have great respect for her as a fictional writer (sic)

    Now John Daniel ‘Jack’ Torrance was a great ‘fictional writer’ and not just a little ‘sick’.
    His major opus (unpublished) was one even John Key would understand consisting as it did of page after page of :

    All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

    Mr Key conceded he had read some, but not all of The Luminaries

    I suspect Key got as far as ‘The Lumin…’ and gave up…

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7848 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes, in reply to Ian Dalziel,

    Shine on you crazy dire man…

    Dire man in Dire Straights..... or was that Speights?
    Money for nothing and yer chicks fer free....

    I'm often aware of personal and family matters raised in the context of someone saying their spouse is sick, or they've got a particular test that they're going in for...it wouldn't have been something that would have driven an outcome from me.

    Is that OK?
    But hey...

    major opus

    Opus Pistorum
    See what happens when you write "Just for the Money"?

    The lack of respect thinking people get in this god damned country gives me the shits.

    Oh... and... Happy new year. ;-)

    Peria • Since Dec 2006 • 5521 posts Report Reply

  • Evan Yates, in reply to Steve Barnes,

    Shine on you crazy dire man

    Dire Straits? More likely Syd Barrett of early Pink Floyd fame (infamy?)

    From "Wish You Were Here"

    Hamiltron, Te Ika-a-Māui • Since Nov 2006 • 197 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes, in reply to Evan Yates,

    Dire Straits? More likely Syd Barrett of early Pink Floyd fame (infamy?)

    Indeed but.....
    'Twas merely a cross reference from dire, as in "Money for nothing". I could have gone with "prisoners of the same narrow-minded, superficial phoniness." as a reference to "We're only in it for the money"

    In his lyrics for We're Only in It for the Money, Zappa speaks as a voice for "the freaks—imaginative outsiders who didn't fit comfortably into any group"

    like most thinking people feel like under this "Strictly Commercial" Govenment, Eleanor Catton being a prime example.
    Or "Money, its a hit, don't give me that do good bullshit" as a nod to the non-caring attitude of our dear leader.
    But I didn't.
    ;-)

    Peria • Since Dec 2006 • 5521 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel, in reply to Steve Barnes,

    Attachment

    Sold Brothers...

    this “Strictly Commercial” Government...

    You mean You-Know-Who...
    ;- )

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7848 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes, in reply to Ian Dalziel,

    You mean You-Know-Who...

    Wicked Uncle Ernie?

    Mike Sabin, smoke, mirrors and the tarring of an internationally renowned Kiwi born author, what was really behind it all?

    All just a little too fucking convenient really, don’t you think? Anyway, just how was it that radio shock jock Sean Plunket, again so conveniently, came by his misinformation on Catton and then thought it a good idea to start a very public shit fight? And to think it all came about just before Mike Sabin’s rapid departure and an out of left field appearance of a never before heard of case involving yet another of those “Prominent New Zealanders”?

    The plot sickens.

    Peria • Since Dec 2006 • 5521 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to Sofie Bribiesca,

    reviews of the Veet cream

    one of the funniest things I've ever read - and totally unpaid effort from multiple reviewers

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19633 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    reviews of the Veet cream
    one of the funniest things I’ve ever read

    The 'Hair Apparent' (I presume) to modern literature?

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7848 posts Report Reply

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