Southerly by David Haywood

39

This Week in Parliament: 26 January 2015 - 30 January 2015

Public Address presents our weekly round-up of the important events in parliament.

NICK SMITH SHAVES SCROTUM FOR AFFORDABLE HOUSING

Affordable housing is predicted to be a major political issue for 2015, but Minister of Housing Nick Smith insists that he is prepared to go the extra mile to help struggling families.

“I was turning over various possibilities in my mind, when it suddenly occurred to me that shaving my testicles might help,” says Dr Smith, who holds a Ph.D. in engineering. “It seemed a bit crazy at first, but it was a lot more sensible than some of my other ideas.”

Ball Boy Wanted

The MP for Nelson admits that it was a difficult subject to broach at the cabinet table.

“I had a very careful and tactful speech prepared, but then at the last minute I became flustered and blurted out, ‘Who wants to shave my balls?’ Luckily none of my cabinet colleagues were at all taken aback, and quite a few of them offered to help.”

Guy Races to Smith’s Aid

Minister of Racing Nathan Guy says he was “first out of the gate” to offer assistance to Dr Smith.

The uncircumcized former farmer explains that long experience with calf castration has given him the perfect set of skills to promote affordable housing. “Helping Nick is the sort of job that would give some weak-minded Labour party types an anxiety attack,” he observes. “But the way I look at it, I can’t do any worse damage than his parents already did when they made the misguided decision to have him circumcized. They’ve absolutely ruined him—it’s mutilation, plain and simple.”

Housing Trust

“Putting your vital organs into another man’s hands is the ultimate expression of trust,” says Dr Smith. “Particularly as Nathan sometimes gets a bit of a weird expression on his face.”

“But it’s really brought us closer together as colleagues. There are moments of awkwardness, of course, but laughter helps. Nathan and I like to say that if you’re not laughing hysterically while shaving another man’s testicles then you’re not doing it properly.”

Nick Smith’s Testicles Made Me Glad Grandma Died

Nathan Guy agrees that there’s been the occasional awkward moment during the daily shaving routine.

“As soon as I get Nick’s ball-bag cradled in my palms, my head fills with terrible thoughts. I don’t know where they come from—I’d never dreamt I’d be the sort of person who would have such bloodthirsty fantasies. Sick, fucked-up shit that I wouldn’t dare tell a living soul about. It actually makes me want to throw up sometimes.”

“I don’t know whether or not God exists, but Nick’s testicles have made me hope that he doesn’t. It would be terrible to think of my grandma in heaven looking down at me and seeing the deranged urges that enter my mind. The shock could very well kill her.”

Ball-Handling Skills

“I don’t believe in playing the blame game,” insists Dr Smith. “But—no pun intended—successive Ministers of Housing have really dropped the ball on the subject of affordability, and I’m afraid that even previous National Party ministers have been almost criminally negligent in addressing this issue.”

“Someone in government finally had to do something to help ordinary New Zealanders, and I’m proud to say that I’ve done it. I like to joke that I’ve really ‘put my balls on the line’ with this policy, but in a very literal sense I actually have.”

Dr Smith says that only time will tell if the policy works. “We’ve had hot weather recently, but if shaving your testicles is a possible way to reduce house prices, then I’m sure Nathan’s and my efforts will eventually bear fruit.”

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