Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: Giving Me Grief

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  • Joe Wylie, in reply to Emma Hart,

    You’d’ve liked your funeral.

    My mother's was only a few weeks ago. I sent pictures to someone who couldn't make it, someone who'd long ago lost both of her parents, and who has a habitually interesting take on most things. When we next caught up she said "That was terrible what that funeral director did, making you carry your Momma's coffin! You could report them for that."

    I explained that it was a privilege that we'd requested, and that we'd been offered the option of having the coffin wheeled out. More than anything though I wished that I could have told Mum, it would have really cracked her up.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4593 posts Report Reply

  • Tristan,

    I'm glad I saved my mini Picnic Bar for the end or morning tea I need a little morsel of solice after that.

    Emma you write comedy and tradgey so well. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 221 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Dunn, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    Condolences to you, too, Joe.

    Deepest, darkest Avondale… • Since Jul 2010 • 585 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    She took her last curtain call in October, in Who Wants to Be a Hundred?

    Beautiful. Quite the elegant epitaph, in fact.

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    My mother's was only a few weeks ago.

    Sorry to hear that Joe. Thinking of you.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19745 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    Wow, Joe, that is quite a different perspective. Everyone just assumed that Mum would have pall-bearers, I thought it was pretty much universal. With Mum that might partially have been because she had three six-foot-plus sons. She'd said, "Well I have three sons and a son-in-law," and there was still... something of a "discussion", and we ended up with six, including my son and a cousin of my brother's. I found it a bit odd that she'd been such a traditionalist about it, given how delighted she was when I asked her to give me away at my wedding, but in retrospect pernaps she was just giving the men something to do.

    My daughter and I went up with them. I put Mum's 80 year old teddy bear on her coffin, Rhiana placed and lit a candle in front of it. (My partner apparently spent the entire service watching to see Bear didn't catch fire.) At the end we took the candle and the bear and walked out with the boys behind us carrying the coffin. Then we girls stood by the hearse with baskets of flowers from Mum's garden so people could put a flower on the coffin and take a moment to say goodbye. It was good.

    Beautiful. Quite the elegant epitaph, in fact.

    I really should thank Roger Hall for writing all those wonderful parts my mother played. She was in Middle Aged Spread, Social Climbers, The Share Club, Market Forces, Prisoners of Mother England... At the end of Dirty Weekends, her character died, and went to Heaven on a ride-on lawn-mower.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • recordari, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    Sorry to hear about your mum Joe.

    I explained that it was a privilege that we'd requested,

    A very close family friend requested I be asked through her surviving partner to be a pallbearer. It is one of the most humbling and rewarding, albeit grief-stricken, experiences in my life. It also helped me with my grief, and the process of 'letting go', although the full significance of this became more apparent over time.

    I put Mum's 80 year old teddy bear on her coffin, Rhiana placed and lit a candle in front of it.

    You really should go into the tissue business, cause you are just getting too good at this. But don't stop, it's quite wonderful.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to recordari,

    It is one of the most humbling and rewarding, albeit grief-stricken, experiences in my life.

    I found the physical impact quite beyond words

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19745 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan, in reply to recordari,

    It is one of the most humbling and rewarding, albeit grief-stricken, experiences in my life.

    I did a reading at every one of my grandparents' funerals, and I will always be thankful for that. If nothing else, it gave me a reason to not cry for the whole time.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    When my partner’s sister died she had a plain wooden coffin and partway through the service everyone came up to write or draw on it. She’d died suddenly and there had been little chance for last goodbyes so it was lovely to have this chance to send a final message. Spending the second half of the service looking at “I will miss you” in my seven-year-old’s best hand-writing shredded the last of my self-control though.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 719 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    So sorry to hear about your mum, Joe.

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3136 posts Report Reply

  • Raymond A Francis,

    It is proper for your parents to die before you and you to die before your children; it is when this is upset that things get really difficult

    When my father died, three of us were sitting there, waiting. Fairly relaxed about the process, he hadn't been happy about losing his abilities and had wished for what was finally happening
    His breathing got slower, the pauses longer

    Now in explanation I must say we were all of rural upbringing.
    When a lamb is born and does seem to want to start breathing, there is a way of touching it that often triggers the breath reflex

    So yes someone (me) reached over and gave him the touch, it worked but we didn't do it the next time he slowed down
    We treated his funeral as a time to celebrate his rather extortionary life, as most lives are

    45' South • Since Nov 2006 • 578 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Emma Hart,

    (My partner apparently spent the entire service watching to see Bear didn’t catch fire.)

    Aww, no fun. A Viking farewell by teddy bear is just the leaven of chaos I'd like for my final bow.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    Then we girls stood by the hearse with baskets of flowers from Mum’s garden so people could put a flower on the coffin and take a moment to say goodbye.

    Everyone gets caught by some moment in this thread. I was OK up until this. That's lovely. My condolences Emma.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Lara,

    Sorry to hear about your Mum Joe. It's the not being able to talk to people that always gets me (proven by the fact that I'm sniffling as I write this).

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2009 • 82 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Dunn, in reply to Lara,

    It took me several years before I stopped, on the point of picking up the phone, thinking of giving a quick ring....

    Deepest, darkest Avondale… • Since Jul 2010 • 585 posts Report Reply

  • Joe Wylie, in reply to Lara,

    It’s the not being able to talk to people that always gets me . . .

    Thanks Lara (and Jacqui, Sacha, recordari & Jackie). We figured that my niece should be the first to speak at my Mum’s send-off, as she’s an accomplished actor with real stage experience, and we might take our cues from her anticipated polished delivery. Instead she could barely manage her prepared speech, and was reduced to shedding real public tears for her lost granny. All the more moving for being so unexpected.

    Jacqui:

    It took me several years before I stopped, on the point of picking up the phone, thinking of giving a quick ring….

    When someone goes slowly with time to say goodbye I guess you think that you’ve dealt with it. It’s two months today and yes, only this morning I had to remind myself that I wouldn’t be sharing a certain joke with her. Clunk.

    Thanks Emma, anyone who can be trusted like that with a teddy bear is a real treasure.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4593 posts Report Reply

  • Kumara Republic,

    Condolences to the both of you Emma and Joe.

    The southernmost capital … • Since Nov 2006 • 5446 posts Report Reply

  • Dinah Dunavan,

    What better eulogy could anyone wish for. Emma, that was lovely. My sincerest condolences to you and everyone who knew your mum and loved her.

    As my parents get older and frailer I know how my mother felt when I was a teenager and I went out with friends. When the phone rings and it is mum or dad calling I have a little shiver worrying that something has happened. I've told them to never leave a message on my cell phone, unless it is important. My phone knows that they called and if they leave a message I get a bit panicky. (Until I hear the message, which is usually my Dad saying, "oh I'm not supposed to leave a message" or similar.)

    When my father-in-law died I was joining the rest of the family late. When I arrived at LAX he was alive, several hours later when I flew in to JFK he was gone. Literally. He had died and his body had been removed from the house along with much of the cancer patient paraphernalia. It was spooky. He wasn't even at a funeral parlour. A jar of ashes was delivered to the house and taken to his memorial service a week later for burying at their church. It was the right thing for his closest family but it was so unlike anything in my experience I was slightly at sea at how to deal with his death, and disappearance.

    Dunedin • Since Jun 2008 • 186 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Parks, in reply to Joe Wylie,

    ...my niece

    Reminded me of my dad's funeral (April last year), my 6-year-old niece was determined to read out few words she wrote down about her granddad and how she'd miss him. She seemed to be handling things pretty well, but there was still a suspicion she might change her mind when it came to the crunch, but no, she got up in front of everyone to have her say. She got to the podium and took her place behind it - and couldn't be seen. So an older niece and the celebrant got something for her to stand on, and we could just see the top of her blond-haired head. This all caused a few laughs. She pressed ahead and started reading her speech: it started well, then came the squeaky voice, then she she lost it and gushed tears. The other niece held it together, stood next to her and finished the reading, then helped her from the stage. It was extraordinarily moving, and even the celebrant looked close to tears.

    I feel it most when I’m in the garden. I stopped out there the other day: moving, thinking, everything. I only realised because a spider spun a web on me.

    Hope this isn't inappropriate, but that bit made me laugh.
    Very moving piece Emma. My condolences to you, and to Joe.

    Wellington • Since May 2007 • 1165 posts Report Reply

  • Sue,

    Thank you so much for sharing emma, i just couldn;t even imagine being able to put words to things at this point. But is sounded like you gave your mum what she needed, and now you need to take time and give yourself what you need

    and oh decorating the coffin, for some reason I decided flowers were not enough for dad, so i hunted out his favourite teddy bear, a cricket ball, some seed potatos (jersey binnies of course) and some flax flowers. Dad went out to la marseillaise for 2 reasons, it was a bit of a tune w=he liked and he knew it would confuse everyone

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 527 posts Report Reply

  • Boganette,

    What a beautiful, stunning tribute. I'm crying at work and sending love your way.

    Wellington • Since Dec 2010 • 15 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan, in reply to Sue,

    Dad went out to la marseillaise for 2 reasons, it was a bit of a tune w=he liked and he knew it would confuse everyone

    I've always threatened to send my Dad out to The Gambler. It's become such a thing that I may have to do it now.

    Of course, I also said I would have my parents cremated and keep them in Marmite jars on my mantelpiece. I don't have a mantelpiece, so i won't be able to do that. Plus, OMG, CREEPY.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Dunn, in reply to Megan Wegan,

    I’ve always threatened to send my Dad out to The Gambler

    I've looked, in vain, for this song mentioned previously in the thread, but it's not there. I know Kenny Rodgers sang it at his recent concert, but I've also seen it mentioned, somewhere , as the song somebody wanted played as their coffin was carried out of a service. Did I dream it?

    OMG, CREEPY

    Mm.

    Deepest, darkest Avondale… • Since Jul 2010 • 585 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan, in reply to Jacqui Dunn,

    Is it this one?

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

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