Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: The British Are Coming

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  • Robert Harvey,

    One of the best songs ever by The Roches, 'My Winter Coat'.

    "The fit is generous and loose / The coat is filled with down of goose
    Should I feel guilty about that? / I wouldn’t wear the fur of a cat
    The coat is black so in New York city / It doesn’t look dirty it stays pretty
    The cuffs are purple which perfectly suits / A pair I already had of boots
    Can’t help sharing on a personal note / A secret I have concerning the coat
    One of the reasons that it got my vote / Is the way it lies open around the throat
    For me the collar mustn’t come too high / Because well all right my skin is dry
    So each morning I rub my face with oil / And the fabric you see the grease could soil
    Can we speak a moment about the lining / After my own heart’s designing
    It’s nylon so your skirts don’t wind / Up in a bunch around your behind
    When the time comes for the coat to clean / You throw this thing in the washing machine
    Drying you doubt but the filling does fluff / I’m here to proclaim this coat is enough
    The length of the coat is below the knees / So in the cold your legs don’t freeze
    I’m nuts about another one of it’s charms / There’s plenty of room underneath the arms
    The coat’s not bulky it weighs about an ounce / And it’s practically void of any frivolous flounce
    I will admit it has shoulder pads / All things considered it’s not so bad
    It looks all right even from the side / I guess because the bottom isn’t overly wide
    Okay so you say you’d prefer something hipper / But can I just tell you about the zipper
    I searched for it for many years / Last one I had I tore up in tears
    It turned me into jack the ripper / But now I stepped in cinderella’s slipper
    It runs from the gullet to just south of the crotch / And workin’ it’s a task you can hardly botch
    It’s made of a material that will not rust / It won’t get stuck you don’t get fussed
    It undoes easily in the usual way / But you can also pull it up if you’d like to, let’s say
    There’s snaps as well which I don’t even use / But they beat out buttons if I had to choose
    I remember the night I went to the store / Fighting my way across the cloak-stuffed floor
    Suffocating I was it seemed / When from a rack this last hope beamed
    Of all my requirements I pursued the trail / To find furthermore the damn thing was on sale
    It had a small chain at the back of the neck / So you could hang it on a hook but it broke what the heck
    With the end of each sleeve I’m totally smitten / Ample space for to emerge a thick mitten
    If you wanna be warm it wins far and away / It’s like walkin’ around in your bed all day
    I know you’re not supposed to be so fond of a thing / But today this is my heartfelt inspiration to sing
    I hope you don’t think I’m merely trying to be clever / I wish this coat would last forever."

    Westmere • Since Nov 2006 • 57 posts Report Reply

  • Andrew Stevenson,

    I nominate Emma as Zombie-flick-Reviewer-in-Chief

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 206 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    I nominate Emma as Zombie-flick-Reviewer-in-Chief

    Hoy! I've paid a non-refundable deposit on my new business cards, and the uniform! :)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Tess Rooney,

    If we want to get artistic about coats then I suggest people read Nikolai Gogol's short story "The Overcoat".

    Since May 2009 • 267 posts Report Reply

  • Hannah,

    Regarding frock coats etc that others were wanting, my mother-in-law flicked me this website a few weeks back, which I took to drooling over. http://www.sharpe-designs.com/dragonesque-clothing-cloaks.htm It's English based, selling gothic/witchy style clothing, and has a few good coats. Obviously someone is picking up that some sectors want this sort of stuff. If only there is a NZ outlet.
    Last week I was looking at sewing patterns (in the costume section of the pattern books) for a good long coat, and found one of Matrix Nero's long black swirling coat which I couldn't go past. Couldn't picture it in any other colour than black though. Now just got to make time to sew it, but at least it will fit me.

    Auckland • Since Feb 2009 • 15 posts Report Reply

  • George Darroch,

    Completely off topic, but too good not to share. Should a... be a criminal act in New Zealand?

    WLG • Since Nov 2006 • 2264 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    Hoy! I've paid a non-refundable deposit on my new business cards, and the uniform! :)

    Keep 'em, they'll impress the boys

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report Reply

  • steven crawford,

    From what the blood web sight says, It looks like I can donate blood. I agree with what Craig said earlier, why can't men that have sex with men give blood for five years after even getting a blow job with a condom on. That doesn't make sense, it's outright discrimination. And I feel angry about that.

    I'm not scared of needles that take blood out. However, I am scared of needles that put things in, particularly the dentists needles. I'l put up with feeling the dentist drill inside my teeth, rather than that particular needle.

    But I'l tell you something real fun. Liver biopsies. They require bigger than average needles going in after bits of liver tissue.

    Atlantis • Since Nov 2006 • 4310 posts Report Reply

  • Islander,

    Try - ta-dah! - kidney biopsies! And - later- dialsysis needles!

    One of my family went through about a year of this nightmare, before getting an interfamilial transplant (hello, younger siblings! That was so great, so sweet, so cool!)

    The bore on those kind of needles is ...horrific. Even when necessary (as in, you die if you dont-)

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report Reply

  • Kumara Republic,

    Completely off topic, but too good not to share. Should a... be a criminal act in New Zealand?

    http://www.should-a.com/lo6ca2

    The southernmost capital … • Since Nov 2006 • 5416 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Okay, coat photo. Is not so grate, but shows how it glows when the sun hits it.

    The gardasil injection was brilliant too, btw. The nurse couldn't find the injection site afterwards to put the sticky plaster on it. But we had to do the whole hand-wash and face-masks thing, which for a hearing-impaired kid? Is not great, not being able to see anyone's mouth.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    That is a nice coat

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Who's the bespectacled babe inside the coat?

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Try - ta-dah! - kidney biopsies! And - later- dialsysis needles!

    I'm seeing somebody on Monday. Talk about such matters can resume Tuesday. Ta.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • ChrisW,

    Okay, coat photo. Is not so grate

    But in gratitude, perhaps this one is clearer?
    http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/slideshow/ALeqM5hQfmxOt-sEpGdVrmohlBYg28yJuQD99ACU6O1?index=0&ned=nz

    Gisborne • Since Apr 2009 • 851 posts Report Reply

  • Andrew Stevenson,

    But in gratitude, perhaps this one is clearer?

    Is there something you're not telling us Emma?

    Nice coat by the way

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 206 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    But in gratitude, perhaps this one is clearer?

    But that one has evil button eyes staring into your soul... and the coat is ugly.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report Reply

  • Joe Wylie,

    But that one has evil button eyes staring into your soul...

    Only if your soul happens to be parked somewhere around your left shoulder.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4591 posts Report Reply

  • Dinah Dunavan,

    I need* a close-up of the boots, they look like my kind of boots.

    * From Online OED " I. Necessity, requirement."

    Dunedin • Since Jun 2008 • 186 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Is there something you're not telling us Emma?

    Almost certainly. Like, for instance, the fate of people who like to compare me to Sarah Palin.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • steven crawford,

    The coat looks good on you. And I see what you mean about the glow when the light hits it, only special coats glow like that, and, its obviously made by elves. I've seen this sort of thing before, magical coats, but never worn with such authority.

    Atlantis • Since Nov 2006 • 4310 posts Report Reply

  • Mikaere Curtis,

    As a complimentary complement to that story on the other side of the world, may I nominate Tuesday 11 August 1914, when the Poverty Bay Herald included in its Editor's miscellany at this time six days after the outbreak of the First World War: "The usual meeting of the Gisborne Shakespeare Club will not be held on Wednesday evening, owing to the patriotic korero."

    Very much a complement. And so far away from the Iwi/Kiwi campaign that National was cogitating at the time I submitted my entry into David's competition.

    Thanks for putting up a photo, Emma. Lovely coat !

    Tamaki Makaurau • Since Nov 2006 • 528 posts Report Reply

  • Tim Michie,

    *That's* the coat you can throw in the corner and pick in perfect form?! I've had some great coats in my time (boom boom) the two favourites being one, admittedly black but with a fantastic blue/green/opalescent inner lining (regrettably easily torn and no match found in the hemisphere) and other an everyday-coat-of-works with fishbone pattern but sprinkled with tiny multicoloured dots...

    Auckward • Since Nov 2006 • 614 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I'm with Steven on the elves.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19683 posts Report Reply

  • mark taslov,

    Te Ika-a-Māui • Since Mar 2008 • 2281 posts Report Reply

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