Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: The Up Front Guide: Dressing for "Success"

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  • Megan Wegan,

    We did try to work out why not all stripy shirts make for a Stripy Shirt, and why it's so easy to spot Stripy Shirts even when they're not wearing stripy shirts. But we were drunk.

    We were? Speak for yourself. Jack, where are you? Did I, or did I not, fulfill my responsibility of being slightly sober when you arrived??

    But yes. When I last went out drinking in Christchurch, with relatives, I did spend a good amount of time, in my head, counting the stripy shirts among their friends. It was a disturbingly high ratio.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    So, to summarise your suggestions: no matter what men wear, women find muscly bad boys attractive

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19688 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    the ladiez preferred attributes in a bloke

    Loved the footnote:

    This article was amended on 7 May 2010. The original headline implied that all women are obsessed with penis size. This has been corrected.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19688 posts Report Reply

  • Andre Alessi,

    Out of interest, where does one shop for cravats these days?

    Devonport, New Zealand • Since Nov 2006 • 864 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    So, to summarise your suggestions: no matter what men wear, women find muscly bad boys attractive

    Well....not exclusively.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Reading this, it's all, "Oh yeah, I know him. And him." Etc.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Well....not exclusively

    Fortunately. Did seem a common 'thread', if you will

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19688 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    I'm a little disappointed that 'fireman' didn't make your list of uniforms.

    I've heard that chicks dig the firebloke, so I am as we speak totally rocking a hot combo of bulky, shapeless, heavily insulated fire and water retardant protective clothing that is uncomfortable, heavy and makes me sweat like a pig.

    I have tastefully acessorised this with a helmet, D-ring Carabiner, torch and oxygen mask.

    I look forward to being flirtatiously asked: 'where's the fire?'. The answer, of course, is 'in my pants'.

    Look out Auckland, here I come.

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    where does one shop for cravats these days?

    Ebay. Seriously.

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    You are truly evil Emma, you know damn well that any man who actually tries to "dress for success" is only going to be laughed at by you ladeez! All you've done is hand out guides to being an object of mirth as opposed to being an object of desire.

    a) they're more or less proportional to body size, and
    b) they're pretty much all the same.

    Having grown up as a nudist I can say you are wrong Emma. I've seen some disturbingly non-proportional instances.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4451 posts Report Reply

  • Sarah Wedde,

    Pyjamas. If you're really really up for it add slippers. Pantingly desperate, a dressing gown.

    A pipe and a newspaper would be considered acceptable accoutrements.

    Lower Hutt • Since Nov 2006 • 66 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Point of order: if you wish to smoke a pipe whilst in your dressing gown, you need to have your accounts audited by Deloittes first. I'm going to want to see some proof of income.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    I wonder whether there's another archcetype worth considering:

    The Silver Fox

    You Will Need: An impeccably tailored suit, with an indefinable something that says it's not just for the boardroom. Either a crisp shirt and tie or a black Zambesi t-shirt. Height. Dark hair greying at the temples, well-groomed but without obvious product. An expensive watch, but not a Rolex or Tag Heuer. An air of worldly amusement and effortless confidence.

    To an inexperienced eye, the look may be indistinguishable from every other suit on Lambton Quay, but something in the cut of the clothes and the arch of an eyebrow tells you that he doesn't just spend his weekends reading the NBR and quoting BMW specs. There's a subtle whiff of money and power, and although he won't talk about it or where it came from, it probably didn't come from selling townhouses or running for the local council. Men want him to invest in their schemes; women want to sleep with him (and many have). There's nothing really to tell that he's on the prowl, other than a direct look and a half-smile.

    Archetype: A GQ cover.

    If You Cock This Up You Will Look: Like Bob from Accounts.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    The Silver Fox

    Yes. Brilliant.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    Pyjamas. If you're really really up for it add slippers. Pantingly desperate, a dressing gown.

    So you're saying that the uber-stud is Arthur Dent?

    Jack, where are you? Did I, or did I not, fulfill my responsibility of being slightly sober when you arrived??

    "Slightly", yes. Adverbs cover a multitude of sins.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Out of interest, where does one shop for cravats these days?

    Kirks is about it for new ones, and most of those are aimed at weddings rather than everyday wear. Hunters & Collectors and Ziggurat are where I tend to get mine.

    World did some lovely contemporary ones for a while. Unfortunately mine disappeared early one morning while walking home from Hooch, along with the hat band from my best trilby.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    Rich: the whole guy-in-a-uniform thing might have gotten you a date in the 70s, but since the Village People came out (or rather since the general public stopped treating them like Liberace don't-ask/don't-tell) it's not as good a strategy as it once was ....

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2608 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I've heard that chicks dig the firebloke, so I am as we speak totally rocking a hot combo of bulky, shapeless, heavily insulated fire and water retardant protective clothing that is uncomfortable, heavy and makes me sweat like a pig.

    I have a male friend who collects the firemen's calendars and would like your number.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    I used to own a pair of "fuck me" black stilettos. Well, sometimes they were "fuck me" shoes, and sometimes, they were "love my legs in these" shoes. I like the versatility of clothes and I'm eternally grateful not to be at all attractive to men who find this whole situation confusing. Very annoying.

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3136 posts Report Reply

  • JoJo,

    The Silver Fox

    Well, hello, Tim Gunn :)

    And @Megan Wegan, yup, been there, been totally skeeved by the layout, which ensures that the leerers can and do surround the dance floor, drink in hand, watching like it's a jelly-wrestling pit.

    Wellington • Since Jul 2008 • 95 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Well, hello, Tim Gunn :)

    Oh dear, it's a sign of how out of touch I am that I had to google that. Surely there are some heterosexual examples?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    hand out guides to being an object of mirth as opposed to being an object of desire.

    I thought the ladies liked a man who could make them laugh?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?

    Well, if I'm correct in reading the intent of the post as an inversion of male stereotypes about women's clothing, then yes.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Or to be more specific to that quote, there's a difference between being the object of mirth and being a co-conspirator in mirth.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Having grown up as a nudist I can say you are wrong Emma. I've seen some disturbingly non-proportional instances.

    Growers and showers. Like helmets and anteaters, but different.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

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