Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: The Up Front Guide: Dressing for "Success"

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  • recordari,

    I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?

    You're in good company. We're all doing it wrong. Otherwise we'd be wearing women's clothing.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Sam F,

    The Silver Fox

    Well done sir.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1609 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    I'm a little disappointed that 'fireman' didn't make your list of uniforms.

    Hose a pretty boy then?
    ;- )

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7887 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Men want him to invest in their schemes; women want to sleep with him (and many have). There's nothing really to tell that he's on the prowl, other than a direct look and a half-smile.

    To quote Liz Lemon, I want to go to there.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Aidan,

    So, to summarise your suggestions: no matter what men wear, women find muscly bad boys attractive

    Well....not exclusively.

    My one stint of jury duty involved a drugs case, the defendant pretty much matching the "muscly bad boy" description to a tee. He was pretty thick and up himself as well.

    Anyhoo, the defence lawyer (always a striped shirt and bow tie) deliberately loaded the jury with females (all ages) and younger males.

    I thought he'd stuffed up. Surely these smart women of all ages and backgrounds wouldn't be sympathetic to this gorilla?

    100% wrong. To a tee they all thought him "cheeky" and not-so-secretly quite liked him.

    This weirded me out.

    Yes we sent him down.

    Canberra, Australia • Since Feb 2007 • 154 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    Hose a pretty boy then?

    I'm going to have to yellow card you, Ian*.

    Second use of a 'hose' pun in one day.

    *Well, I would if there were formal rules about this sort of thing.

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    Hey, you missed "sensitive and understanding of women -- willing to listen but still totally up for it if that's what you like."

    And you know why? Cause I couldn't come up with an archetype for him. He was a bit more 'drinking organic wheatgrass and reading Foucault'.

    Are we able to in some way distinguish the above guy, who is totally admirable, from the 'fuck me, I'm sensitive' guy, who is totally phony?

    Someone beat me to the Tim Gunn reference, but I would like to note that way back in the first series of ProjRun, one of the contestants referred to Tim, delightfully, as a 'foxy bitch'.

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Are we able to in some way distinguish the above guy, who is totally admirable, from the 'fuck me, I'm sensitive' guy, who is totally phony?

    Yup. If he's not sensitive after you fucked, he's a phony. Prior to that, no, there is no reliable test, other than "most men aren't".

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10633 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Here's one more:

    The Kingsland Villa

    You will need: Advanced glaucoma helpful but not essential. Your mother is still dressing you from beyond the grave, and socks/underwear are only replaced when they disintergrate.

    Archetype: A flatulent Ken doll, when needs his monobrow thinned out with a hedge trimmer.

    If You Cock This Up: ...you haven't yet met the woman who considers a long-term fixer-upper a satisfying substitute for a cat and a job lot of AA batteries.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes,

    I'm just so over women wanting to shag me all the time.
    Every time I walk into anywhere, there they are, eyeing me up like a piece of meat.
    I try to put them off by pretending to be Italian.
    I dress as badly as I can, the light marino jumper draped over my shoulders and lightly tied in front to reveal the rugged but hairless chest under the fine linen shirt...
    it doesn't work.
    Sigh.
    ;-(

    Peria • Since Dec 2006 • 5521 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    I feel your pain, Steve.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    I thought the ladies liked a man who could make them laugh?

    Yes! absolutely, but I can't remember anything they were wearing. I on the other hand may have been wearing a Firemans jacket on one occasion and where did I get that from? Ah haa...

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6796 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    I should say right now that my own dress sense lurches wildly between "I can't remember whether I'm wearing shoes" and "Techno squire of the manor".

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • JoJo,

    I thought the ladies liked a man who could make them laugh?

    Lots of men make me laugh. Especially the ones who say "Whaddarya, some kind of lesbian" as if it was an insult...

    Wellington • Since Jul 2008 • 95 posts Report Reply

  • webweaver,

    Well, hello, Tim Gunn :)

    Surely there are some heterosexual examples?

    George Clooney. Sean Connery. Tom from Survivor

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 331 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    no, there is no reliable test

    No, I mean, most of the time we can tell the difference pretty early on (the two types are usually distinguished by wildly disparate whining levels), but 'fuck me, I'm sensitive' guy and 'actually sensitive but also likes the booty' guy need two different headings. Because both of them involve wheatgrass and Foucault, right?

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Because both of them involve wheatgrass and Foucault, right?

    I think only one of them has the slightest chance of having read the Foucault.

    I think possibly my geek test might be applicable here. Work out what their passion is (or is supposed to be), and lead them to talk about it. If they become incredibly animated, and other people's eyes start glazing over, they're genuinely sensitive. (Not my eyes, I hasten to add. I find this very attractive.)

    Or Mr Littlewood is a very, very good actor.

    Also, along these lines, I sort of want to add The Giles. Distinguished, greying, glasses, sensitive, geeky, can wear a well-cut suit OR a cardigan. Repressed enough to suggest that... well, they're repressing something really interesting.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I feel your pain, Steve.

    You're pretending to be Italian too? Damn, you're good.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22749 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    a Firemans jacket on one occasion and where did I get that from? Ah haa...

    I was once confused to find a man's Perth police shirt in my brother's wardrobe. I still can't really fathom how that happened.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Clayton,

    Such a taxonomy as this would have been useful, to say the least, in my many happy-but-fraught spinster years. Its absence left me with just a few hopeful projections instead, all of which were inaccurate and ineffective, except when they weren't.

    Christchurch • Since Feb 2007 • 51 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I think only one of them has the slightest chance of having read the Foucault.

    Bollocks to that. I was much better with the Jung. Quote that shit when you're high, and it's deep.

    Also, along these lines, I sort of want to add The Giles. Distinguished, greying, glasses, sensitive, geeky, can wear a well-cut suit OR a cardigan. Repressed enough to suggest that... well, they're repressing something really interesting.

    Slash!

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22749 posts Report Reply

  • recordari,

    Wheatgrass tastes like shit, and I eat Foucault for breakfast.

    Baudrillard, Bathes and Derrida are for real men.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    'fuck me, I'm sensitive' guy and 'actually sensitive but also likes the booty' guy need two different headings. Because both of them involve wheatgrass and Foucault, right?

    Yes, I presumed that was what you meant. The two species are not reliably distinguishable pre-shag. There are heuristics, but they abound with false negatives and positives. Database systems (the opinions of others who have shagged the candidate) are technically more reliable, but only for spotting the bad ones. The good ones aren't committed to the training corpus.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10633 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Emma, I have to contradict you there. Boring girls to death talking about one's specialty is not the mark of a sensitive man. It is, however, the mark of a genuine man.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10633 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    I still can't really fathom how that happened.

    Trophies? All those shiny buttons. :)

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6796 posts Report Reply

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