World Cup of Evil

I'm not sure what theme FIFA was hoping to emphasise at the is world cup, I'll bet good money that it wasn't "villainy".

Almost as soon as the knock-out stages started the bad guys started their evil works. Perhaps even before then.

Obviously FIFA itself is evil, like the worldwide sporting branch of SMERSH, but that usually doesn't translate directly onto the field. With this in mind, I offer you: The World Cup of Evil!

Making my life easier, I'm going to start with the round of 16. This means I don't get to include Cristiano Ronaldo. So before I kick off (see what I did there?) I'd like to make a quick mention of the Portuguese striker.

From what I understand, the English really don't like Cristiano Ronaldo, FIFA's player of the year. But they seem to not like him in the same way they don't like huge binging nights out drinking. They publically scorn him, then chuckle quietly remembering all the cool things he does.

His main issue seems to be diving, which he does at a rate that looks similar to other players. (Portugal in general has a similar time taken per "fake injury" as England in the graph below that I made from WSJ data).

Let's be honest, it's probably this though.

Round of 16

Chile v Brazil - Winner: BRAZIL

While I don't particularly think the Brazilians are evil, the Chileans are just so damn nice!

Colombia v Uruguay - Winner: URUGUAY

Yeah he wasn't playing, but Uruguay has a guy who bit another guy! Then they complained that FIFA didn't let him play any more, suggesting instead to just wheel him on the field like this.

France v Nigeria - Winner: DRAW (France on penalities)

No ones really complaining much about these teams so France wins a scoreless draw because they take so much time when they draw penalties.

Germany v Algeria - Winner: GERMANY

It was once said "Nobody who speaks German could be evil" and I'd like to believe that. But the Algerian goalkeeper was just so damn cool, that I can't let them keep going in the evil tournament.

Netherlands v Mexico - Winner: NETHERLANDS

Robben, admits diving in the game against Mexico, then says: "In recent days there has been a lot of talk about diving and actually I’m tired of this bullshit." I don't think that's how it works after you admit something. "I'm really tired of every talking about me shooting someone after I admitted I shot someone."

Greece v Costa Rica - Winner: GREECE

Austerity measures reach sport as the Greek team constantly plays for 0-0 draws.

Argentina v Switzerland and USA v Belgium - Winner?

(I can't see too much anger aimed at these teams so I'm just going to flat out ignore this whole arm of the bracket and assume the USA makes it to the semifinals simply for teasing a whole lot of fans who otherwise couldn't care less about football.)

Quarterfinals

Brazil v Uruguay - Winner: URUGUAY

So not only did Suarez bite the Italian guy, he's bitten a bunch of other people and may be racist. No matter how silly Neymar and friends act, they have yet to place part of another person in their mouths with intent to injure. And even after he bites the Italian, Suarez falls to the ground holding his mouth seemingly to claim he had been fouled.

...

You know what, let's just skip to:

The Final

A packed stadium holds it breath in anticipation for:

Uruguay v Netherlands

The Netherlands play the entire game while lying on the ground should an Uruguayan player near them. While left alone though, the Dutch play with pure skill and excitement, causing fans to truly believe that this is a good team and not, as it turns out, terrible, awful people.

In the meantime Uruguay, continually annoyed at giving away penalties to the Dutch, continue their simple game plan of "get the ball to Suarez" (as this is the evil World Cup, he hasn't been banned, but will instead win the Golden Boot.) Should Suarez be sent off, the Uruguayan team will pack a collective sad, but he won't be today.

Instead he launches face first at Robben during a corner, jaws open wide. Sadly he misses completely, causing Robben to fall and be awarded a free kick.

...

All fiction aside though, it's quite odd watching these games and watching so many of the players diving. Especially when you see that players, like Neymar, actually getting quite badly injured. I get the fall down if you're tripped thing, because maybe the ref doesn't see it, but to then writhe as though your body is aflame, is so bizarre.

Full disclosure: I'm doing very poorly in my tipping pool.

George Darroch, 15:51 Jul 8, 2014

I prefer cycling. At least they cheat in private.

As a cycling fan I'd like the UCI to ban cheats for life, without exception. FIFA should ban diving with one game and then season suspensions for a first and then second offense.

The best thing to come out of the FIFA Men's World Cup is this article from FiveThirtyEight. Lionel Messi is actually impossible.

WLG • Since Nov 2006 • 2264 posts Report

Matthew Littlewood, in reply to George Darroch, 19:25 Jul 8, 2014

this article from FiveThirtyEight

Some of the 538 stuff (such as the article linked above) on the FIFA WC is interesting and illuminating, but a lot of it is either maddening or unintentionally hilarious. All the number-crunching in the world can't hide the fact that the writers often don't get the point of football (or, one could argue, sport in general), particularly the drama and sheer randomness of it. Still, the award for the most pointlessly anorack piece of American writing on the FIFA WC goes to this this Grantland column on how the seedings for the WC should be "fixed", which totally ignores the fact that the FIFA WC has never really been about finding the best team in the world, but the best team in the tournament. Their obsession for the "right" results would also ignore the opportunity for upsets- of which there have been many.

I thought the Quarterfinals lacked the excitement and tension of the pool phases and the round of 16, and there is a sense that the mania of the early parts of the World Cup is now subsiding as sides "play to win". But this has been the best WC in ages, perhaps decades, in terms of the strength of the competition and football on display.

It will be a real shame if such an ugly and negative Brazil side win this tournament (who have actually played the least entertaining football of the eight sides remaining), and FIFA are still the most insanely corrupt and mafia-like sporting organisation on earth (they make the BCCI look like models of probity), but I've really enjoyed the football this time around. The All Whites dogged efforts (and Spain's occasional brilliance) aside, I couldn't say the same about 2010.

Today, Tomorrow, Timaru • Since Jan 2007 • 449 posts Report

oga, 09:50 Jul 9, 2014

But isn't all the diving an attempt to get penalties? As soon as they realize that they have been pushed from behind, they must dive and land badly in order to win the penalty for their team, especially if they're within a fair shot of the opponent's goal. The only problem with diving like this is that they might actually injure themselves badly since obviously doing a roll out of the fall would imply that they dived on purpose. Right?

Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 47 posts Report

Chris Waugh, 10:18 Jul 9, 2014

So, ummm.... what just happened? I suppose Brasil gets the dubious consolation of not losing as badly as North Korea against Portugal in 2010. I bet Scolari is packing his bags and scanning the airline timetables for the next flight to Argentina where he'll claim asylum. Dilma Roussef must be considering her options, too.... mobilise the army? Or fill the tanks on the presidential jet and fly as far as it will take her?

I completely forgot to check the timetable last night, so I only saw the last 15 minutes. It didn't look like Germany going all Sturm und Drang on Brasilian arse so much as seasoned pros versus rank amateurs.

Wellington • Since Jan 2007 • 2401 posts Report

George Darroch, 10:40 Jul 9, 2014

Their obsession for the “right” results would also ignore the opportunity for upsets- of which there have been many.

One of the reasons football is so interesting is because it is the major sport in which the statistically weaker side is most likely to win. (Because of its low-scoring nature.)

Rob Stowell, in reply to Chris Waugh, 10:49 Jul 9, 2014

I only saw the last 15 minutes. I

I only saw snatches of the first 20 - but after that, it felt like it'd be hard to watch any more. Brazilian fans in tears after 20 minutes.

Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2120 posts Report

Paul Brislen, 14:01 Jul 10, 2014

I have all but given up watching football because of the diving. It's just so bad.

I'd like to see the refs go to a video replay for such things and start handing out yellow cards. I like rugby's approach to arguing with the ref also - back you go ten metres. Keep it up and I'll award a penalty. Love it.

Actually, speaking of the refs, it seems to me that rugby refs are a lot fitter. They keep up with the run of play a lot better and while in the old days I would have said football players run faster, these days I'm not so sure.

While we're fixing the world, can we PLEASE stop penalty shootouts. Might as well toss a coin for the winner. Find some other way of doing it. Any other way.

Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 200 posts Report

Geoff Lealand, in reply to Paul Brislen, 09:09 Jul 11, 2014

I agree with you on this, Paul. It is kind of demeaning to conclude a game after kicking a ball around for 90 minutes, then another 30 minutes, for no conclusive score--then decide it all on whether two men prevent the ball entering the net. I read once that soccer goals should be smaller, to account for the bigger bulk of today's players (including goalies). Rugby is definitely a more satisfying spectator sport.

Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2562 posts Report

simon g, 12:31 Jul 11, 2014

In other news, "Greymouth warns the Kaiser ... " ;)

Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1333 posts Report

Richard Stemson, in reply to Paul Brislen, 15:23 Jul 11, 2014

Why would you want to get rid of penalty shootouts? If you can't separate the teams on the field then you separate them on nerve. It is not about luck. Either you cope with the pressure of the shootout or you don't. It may be cruel but is fair.

Auckland • Since Oct 2007 • 4 posts Report

linger, 08:52 Jul 14, 2014

Richard:

cruel but […] fair

Not really fair to the teams as a whole, though, to reduce the competition to a striker vs. a goalkeeper.

Geoff:

soccer goals should be smaller, to account for the bigger bulk of today’s players

Shouldn’t goals should be larger for larger goalies? (Cf. Terry Pratchett’s take on the game in Unseen Academicals, featuring an orangutan and the winner of a pie-eating competition, both selected as goalies for their ability to reach both posts without moving from the centre.)

Tokyo • Since Apr 2007 • 1944 posts Report

Geoff Lealand, in reply to linger, 23:05 Jul 15, 2014

Oops ... That is what I intended to write. Larger goals.

Kyle Matthews, 14:53 Jul 30, 2014

I've never thought the problem with football was the size of the nets. More that games have so few shots on goal - sometimes low single figures. If they could find a way to change the games so that there were more shots, and therefore more on net, you would get more goals and therefore less likely to end up going to penalties.

Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report

Brent Jackson, 16:34 Jul 31, 2014

Do away with the goalkeeper position and reduce the height of the goals to 1m ?

Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 620 posts Report

Field Theory by Hadyn Green

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