Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: January 2008 Will be a Bad Month for All Star-signs

25 Responses

  • Tom Ackroyd,

    Nurse! NURSE!!

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 159 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Andrew,

    Geez, did an astrologer kick your puppy or something?

    Hamiltron - City of the F… • Since Nov 2006 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • Jen Hay,

    I'm an Aquarius and I was just wondering whether the dwarfs who are going to drive fish-hooks under my knee-caps also happen to be lesbian? Undoubtedly an unlucky day for me, but it could perhaps be a lucky day for Public Address.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 43 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    Brilliant!

    Do you do birthday astrology too? It's my birthday on Monday, and I would like to know what the year holds for me.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1446 posts Report Reply

  • Veronica Pushcum,

    PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN!!

    Since Jan 2008 • 3 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    I'm on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Does this mean I will get two books and CDs? If so, is it OK if I give the extra set to the Red Cross op shop? And if they refuse them, can I just throw them in the bin?

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Jen Hay wrote:

    I'm an Aquarius and I was just wondering whether the dwarfs who are going to drive fish-hooks under my knee-caps also happen to be lesbian?

    Hi Jen,

    You clearly have no psychic talent -- what a preposterous suggestion!

    The dwarfs will be heterosexual. The knife-wielding midgets who will disinter your headless corpse (to use for role-playing in their consciousness-raising group) will be lesbian. But that won't be until next month.

    Robyn Gallagher wrote:

    I'm on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Does this mean I will get two books and CDs?

    Oh, Robyn, Robyn, dear sweet Robyn... if only the mysteries of the stars and planets were as simple as your innocent girlish analysis. But then I suppose we can't all be New Zealand's most famous and most accurate astrologer.

    How do you feel about homicidal line-dancing clowns in Paul Holmes masks singing songs from the 'Paul Holmes' album while dancing along Mt Eden road with your head on a stick?

    Deborah wrote:

    Do you do birthday astrology too? It's my birthday on Monday, and I would like to know what the year holds for me.

    Hi Deborah,

    I see myself as a 'good news' astrologer, i.e. someone who prefers to concentrate on positive harmonic vibrations rather than negative. If the planets reveal bad news (and, don't forget, all my predictions come with a 100 per cent guarantee of accuracy) then I generally prefer to avoid the subject.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Keith Ng,

    Oh David, now my obsession with death-rays seem practically philanthropic in comparison... (more humane, certainly)

    And who am I to argue? You're a scientist and an astrologer. You know this shit. I will await the dwarfs.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 543 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    Oh man, thats just not fair....

    All you guys n gals get to die horribly unspeakable (but fascinatingly spectacular) deaths and all I get is a stupid book and CD.

    I know some would call it a fate worse than death, but still...

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 887 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    It's ok. I'm a Contrarian.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Don Christie,

    You're a scientist and an astrologer. You know this shit.

    Yep, it's hard to argue with all that scientific rigour stuff.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report Reply

  • Tim Michie,

    Just an observation: As no one is born under the sign of 'Note:' I think we dismiss the prediction listed for it...

    Auckward • Since Nov 2006 • 614 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    How do you feel about homicidal line-dancing clowns in Paul Holmes masks singing songs from the 'Paul Holmes' album while dancing along Mt Eden road with your head on a stick?

    That would be rool awesome. Mt Eden needs something to put itself on the map - something big and monumental. I think this is it!!!!!!!

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN!!

    People like him should be required to have children.

    I'm also an Aquarius. I shall await the midgets eagerly.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • dyan campbell,

    Geminis tend to be physically very tall or very short -- although many Geminis are also of average height.

    That is just spookily accurate about every single Gemini I know.

    auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 595 posts Report Reply

  • Peter Hunter,

    As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

    Thanks for the heads up!

    Wellington • Since Jan 2007 • 8 posts Report Reply

  • linger,

    As an unmarried Aries with an aversion to tea, I would seem to be uniquely safe from worry this month.
    Except that I don't believe in astrology.
    Bugger.

    Tokyo • Since Apr 2007 • 1905 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Such cruel and unusual punishment! I was born on January 9...which makes me a ?...but I usually say that I was born under a motel sign (a cheap motel, somewhere in Taranaki I suspect)

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2550 posts Report Reply

  • Snowy the Dog,

    rrr woof woof!

    Wellington • Since Jan 2008 • 1 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Apologies for the delay in replying to comments on this thread. I haven't been able to reach the PA site for the last couple of days (for some reason).

    dyan campbell wrote:

    > Geminis tend to be physically very tall or very
    > short -- although many Geminis are also of average
    > height

    That is just spookily accurate about every single Gemini I know

    You'll be pleased to hear that this is a genuine statement from an astrology book (slightly reworded) on physical characteristics associated with star signs.

    Peter Hunter wrote:

    As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

    Very wise, Peter. In my background research for this piece (if that's the appropriate term) I discovered that I am also a Piscean. Personally I have strapped a 5 metre ladder horizontally across my shoulders. It makes getting through doorways a bit tricky, but the added safety -- in terms of mine shaft accidents -- is fully worth it.

    Keith Ng wrote:

    Oh David, now my obsession with death-rays seem practically philanthropic in comparison... (more humane, certainly)

    Nice try, Keith, but I have no personal input into these predictions -- I'm merely revealing what is already predetermined by the stars and planets.

    Incidentally (and this may or may not be a prediction) I had a dream that you were married to Billie Piper. In my dream (or prediction) it was on the cover page of the Listener. The headline read "Billie Piper's New Man'. I did a double-take at the photo, and then I was like: "Fuck me, that's Keith Ng". My next thought was: "Poor Keith, I guess he hasn't heard her sing." You also had a beard -- as, curiously, did David Slack, in my dream (or prediction) about him.

    I'm not 100 per cent guaranteeing your marriage to Billie Piper as a dead cert, but I am willing to make the call on the beard (sooner or later). At any rate -- with her experience on Dr Who -- Billie should be able to help you with any death-ray plans that you may have.

    A final note, of course, is that none of these predictions apply to the relatively new star signs of 'Contrarian/Linux user'.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Bob Munro,

    As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

    Piscean attempting first winter ascent of North face of Denali.

    **Solo attempt for first winter ascent on Denali's north side: "He walks with a ladder," pilot says**

    “Former construction worker Artur Testov left for Kantishna on December 21 and began the hike to the base of the peak. This is the first solo climb of the north side of Mount McKinley; it has never been attempted in the winter, receiving no sunlight at all and with temperatures down to 60 below, a spokesman told ExplorersWeb.

    Artur is hiking through 25 miles of Alaskan tundra in order to reach the base of the huge Wickersham Wall.

    Prior to his 1998 success; Artur made a 1997 January attempt on the peak which was aborted after he fell in a crevasse at 14,000 feet.

    This time, he carries an 8 foot ladder: "He walks with the ladder. He took one rung out and he stands in that hole, you know, and his backpack's on the top of his back," the pilot told ktuu.com. “

    Christchurch • Since Aug 2007 • 418 posts Report Reply

  • Bob Munro,

    Very wise, Peter. In my background research for this piece (if that's the appropriate term) I discovered that I am also a Piscean. Personally I have strapped a 5 metre ladder horizontally across my shoulders. It makes getting through doorways a bit tricky, but the added safety -- in terms of mine shaft accidents -- is fully worth it.

    Just so we understand these are very wise words and the practice more common than you might think, I worked with this Piscean
    in the late ‘80s.

    “My traveling rig was unusual: two sleds hooked in tandem towed by a
    14 foot aluminum ladder suspended from my pack. This was my insurance
    against a crevasse fall. At first, it took me five minutes to climb in. After lining
    everything up, I would step in between the middle rungs of the ladder and strap on my skis. Then I would hoist the pack up, leaving the ladder suspended around my waist. Hooking my sit harness into the ladder was the final step before I lurched off along the glacier. The whole carnival train, all 21 feet of it, would have been an amusing sight if anyone had been around to see it.”

    I never saw him wearing his ladder in New Zealand but he assured me it was standard practice where he came from.

    Christchurch • Since Aug 2007 • 418 posts Report Reply

  • Benjamin Franzmayr,

    I'm a Capricorn. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

    Palmerston North, New Zea… • Since Nov 2006 • 15 posts Report Reply

  • Jonty,

    <After lining everything up, I would step in between the middle rungs of the ladder and strap on my skis. Then I would hoist the pack up, leaving the ladder suspended around my waist.>

    This practice was discontinued after Artur Testov inadvertently suspended the ladder with one rung between his legs. He later underwent a name change to Arfur Bolokoff.

    Katikati • Since Mar 2007 • 102 posts Report Reply

  • Bob Munro,

    There's another astute astrologer operating out of the The Daily Mash.

    Christchurch • Since Aug 2007 • 418 posts Report Reply

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