Up Front by Emma Hart

Read Post

Up Front: Oh, Cock!

169 Responses

First ←Older Page 1 2 3 4 5 7 Newer→ Last

  • Andre Alessi,

    Melissa Theuriau appears on the telly

    I'm afraid the blood flow in my brain decreased at this point to the degree where I struggled to concentrate on the rest of the post.

    /fap

    Devonport, New Zealand • Since Nov 2006 • 864 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    I'd prefer some sort of graph.

    Or graphic? ;-)

    Let's put some pictures up.

    Are drawings allowed?

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2558 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    When my brothers were 7 and 8 they were playing doctors and nurses with a couple of neighbourhood girls in a tent in our back yard. My parents discovered them in the act and thought "this is silly".

    They promptly joined a nudist club (did I mention that some of my parents logical connections were - er unusual). As a result from age 3 I have seen a large number of penises and boobs and bums. Of all ages and sizes.

    The thing that strikes me is just how variable they are. Yes there was Fred the horse, but the average was probably something under 10 cm. But beyond simple length there is a huge variety of bends and girths. Basically if you were a boy and had a penis it was normal whatever it looked like.

    I never saw them as anything other than normal bits of the body as a child. And as a teenager it was a comfort to know I was "normal".

    But I do have to disagree with Emma. In the end there is something inherently silly about penises in a way that isn't silly about breasts, especially when playing sports in the nude.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Sorry for the thread-jack, Emma. Just have to vent in a safe space before brain-bleeding starts.

    WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK IS THIS STEAMING PILE OF FUCK-WITTED TURDERY? (H/T Russell via Twitter)

    The Department of Defense announced today that it is instructing military recruiters to accept enlistees who identify themselves as gay in order to comply with a court order to stop enforcing Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

    According to a spokeswoman, recruiters have been told to begin processing gay recruits, even if they acknowledge their sexual identity.

    But they're also being told to warn recruits that, if they say they're gay, they could still face discharge if the order ending DADT is stayed, or a judge's ruling that the policy is unconstitutional is overturned.

    Recruiters, and military personnel in general, are also still not allowed to ask about the sexual orientation of a recruit or servicemember.

    The Pentagon has also cautioned members against changing their behavior, should DADT be reinstated.

    Thanks for your indulgence, people. Resume talking about the more agreeable kind of cock-up...

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Yet it is my impression that women do have a concept of what constitutes a "good" (or even "great") cock, which seems to be as much aesthetic as it about dimension. Would that be true?

    My thought process in response to this question was well bizarre, and I think telling. It was also a duologue, which is not unusual for me.

    "Okay, well, that sounds reasonable, we must. Probably sort of clean, neat and tidy, symmetrical, middling size..."

    "Alright then, who had the most aesthetically pleasing cock?"

    "Um... Mike. It was Mike, right?"

    "Are you just saying that because he had the most conventionally-male-attractive body?"

    "Um... no?"

    "So what was his penis like?"

    *long pause* "Did you notice how he had really heavy brows that almost joined together? And just the right amount of muscle definition, so it was cut but not puke-makingly gross? And obviously we've talked about that arse before."

    "You don't remember, do you? Go on, what was it like?"

    "Fit for purpose?"

    "Fair point."

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Mine was slightly different and a monologue:

    "Well, far be it for me to speak for all women, but in my, um...experience, well...um, there was that one guy with the...oh, and him with the...wait, where was I? Right. Well, there must be some kind of standard, I guess...who was the prettiest? No, that just sounds wrong, like I should be wrapping a ribbon round it. Oh. Um. Yeah, nah...."

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Eade,

    I love the fact that my penis is functional. It's world class in that respect.

    auckland • Since Mar 2008 • 1112 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    It's the person it's attached to that makes all the difference.

    Also, from the Seinfeld school of thinking carefully about gender and bodies:

    Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--

    Elaine: Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man.

    George: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.

    Elaine: Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.

    Jerry: So you don't think it's attractive?

    Elaine: It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian.

    George: Well, some women like it.

    Elaine: Mmm. Sickies.

    I don't go so far as that, because there are some male bodies that make me pause for a moment or two, in appreciation. But really, I just don't care all that much. My sentiment about them could go on a Hallmark card: it's the person inside.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    like I should be wrapping a ribbon round it.

    NOT an easy task. With either a ribbon or a bow tie.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    NOT an easy task. With either a ribbon or a bow tie.

    You want to start with a slip knot. You just have to be careful about pulling on it to hard.

    (And yes, I did just say that.)

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    pulling on it to hard.

    was that a typo or not?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    You just have to be careful about pulling on it to hard.

    But you also need it to stay on, which is the hard part, except for the "I need an extra hand, can you just put your finger on here" bit. So you do need to be quite... firm. Also, a velvet ribbon rather than a satin, for extra grip.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • richard,

    Not looking for New Engla… • Since Nov 2006 • 268 posts Report Reply

  • Mike Hollywood,

    Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
    [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]
    Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord.
    Edmund: Then what is so funny?
    Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!
    [Percy and Baldrick laugh.]
    Edmund: [not amused] ...a thingy...
    Baldrick: ...a great big thingy! It was terrific.
    Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?
    Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.
    Edmund: Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.
    Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. ...but it was jolly funny! [laughs more]
    Edmund: Yes, yes, yes...
    Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got ... a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!
    Edmund: Yes, all right...
    Baldrick: I'm quite [?] at parties...
    Edmund: [not interested] are you...
    Baldrick: Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

    Since May 2009 • 51 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    Ok, seeing as you're having difficulty deciding what is "good looking" in a penis...

    Do you have a viewing preference for....

    erect / flaccid / in-between?

    circumcised / natural

    straight / bent (laterally or vertically)

    And probably more importantly than your specific answers, given discussions with friends, do you feel these preferences are widely held (in a given culture) or highly individual?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 889 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    circumcised / natural

    I feel very strongly that my preferences in this area are beside the fucking point, as it were, compared to the preferences of the owner. Preferably the *adult* owner.

    (Anecdotal discussion, however, suggests that women prefer whatever they've had more experience with.)

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2105 posts Report Reply

  • Michael Stevens,

    Hmm, I loved the piece Emma, but I guess as a gay man, I see it all a little differently ;-)

    We like cock, and generally praise it - and most of us are so used to the variety of sizes and shapes they come in that we can handle whatever comes our way.

    But gay porn is just as, if not more, unrealistic - but I think because we get exposed to so much of it we actually understand that it's not real.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 230 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Hmm, I loved the piece Emma, but I guess as a gay man, I see it all a little differently ;-)

    The deference to the opinions of women here is a little disconcerting for me, because I do consider gay men to be in the best position to judge. So to speak.

    (Anecdotal discussion, however, suggests that women prefer whatever they've had more experience with.)

    I had a conversation with a Canadian friend of mine recently, because her new lover (that's how she refers to him since my last column) is uncircumcised and this is the first time she's run across this. And she wanted to know what, if anything, she should do differently. I'm thinking that pleasure is far more likely to be a consideration than aesthetics.

    I also... honestly can't answer Fletcher's questions, any more than I could answer the equivalent questions about breasts. See the duologue: it's not that I couldn't come up with a list of things that might be good aesthetic critieria, it's that I simply have to be honest about not really consciously noticing or thinking about it.

    And I pretty much always consider my views in these areas to not be representative of your average straight woman. For obvious reasons.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    was that a typo or not?

    I am honestly not sure.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    compared to the preferences of the owner.

    I dont think there's much "prefering" going on by owners? Considering the vast majority are performed on owners too young to choose...

    I guess if you dont "prefer" what you've already got.... you can choose to have it done (pretty rare?), or want it put back (not possible?).


    I think it's a bit like the size of your feet... you might be perfectly happy, or you might wish you were different, but there's not much to be done about it either way... so be happy with what you've got?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 889 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    And she wanted to know what, if anything, she should do differently. I'm thinking that pleasure is far more likely to be a consideration than aesthetics.

    Definitely. There is also, in my experience, NOTHING more discomforting to watch than a demonstration of how stretchy the foreskin really is.

    I dont think there's much "prefering" going on by owners? Considering the vast majority are performed on owners too young to choose...

    I guess it's a combination of a) I find the fact that the owners aren't given the choice really fucking disturbing and b) since the vast majority of circumcised men *aren't* given a choice, it seems unfair to then pass judgement on it.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2105 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    Guys don't always have a complicated relationship with their cock. Some even give them pet names, stroke them often and tickle them under the collar. Size does matter for guys: in any group situation it usually doesn't take long to sort out who the big swinging dicks are and a sort of hierarchy is established. Well-endowed guys very often have long since learned to communicate to other guys that they are. All this "penis envy" and appeals to insecurity are very much a guy to guy thing (and certainly not only gay guys).
    Regards nude sports, have you also noticed guys play far more carefully and gracefully when not uniformed-up. The Dunedin nude rugby matches are far more akin to ballet than rugby.

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    A foreskin is just one more toy in the cot.

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Are drawings allowed?

    So long as they're not by Van. #outrageous

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19719 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    circumcised / natural

    ...lets take this piece of skin with lots of nerve running to it and ... well ... cut it off because like it will easier for mummy to keep baby boy clean and later in life when he is in the desert corp he won't get sand stuck there I'm sure he won't miss the fact he will have less sensitivity in his sexual organs cause that's not important to boys at all...


    and don't even start with doing the same to girls damn but we humans are barabaric

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

First ←Older Page 1 2 3 4 5 7 Newer→ Last

Post your response…

Please sign in using your Public Address credentials…

Login

You may also create an account or retrieve your password.