Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: Oh, Cock!

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  • Ian Dalziel,

    the hole truth...

    They also have a tunnel that something very tiny travels through at the speed of light, which causes an earth-shattering explosion that reveals the secrets of the universe.

    that's a Large Hadron Collider
    the spelling is different...
    ;- )

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7944 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    SFW cock-flavoured business cards

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19719 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Whereas 85% of women were satisfied with their partner's penis size, only 55% of men were satisfied with their penis size, 45% wanted to be larger, and 0.2% wanted to be smaller.

    To get back on track, that pretty well reflects the dudes I know.

    I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it? And compared notes? If not with your mates, then like, on surveys on the internet. (Yes, apparently they are out there, according to a friend.)

    Cos, you know, I've never measured my boobs. Except for clothing buying reasons, and even then I am not comparing them to anyone else. Nor have I taken a ruler to any other part.

    And no, we are sitting around talking about our 'fannies'. But if you follow me and Emma on Twitter, you probably know we spend a fair bit of time talking about our tits.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    we are sitting around talking about our 'fannies'.

    Hmmm... I suspected so.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it?

    What your missing is that Heisenberg's principle applies to penises just as it applies to quarks.

    As soon as you attempt to define it's length, it starts to move.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Hmmm... I suspected so.

    Damn. Missed the all-important not from that sentence.

    As soon as you attempt to define it's length, it starts to move.

    Oh, I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

    Yeah sure - I'm really just looking at the graphs

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it? And compared notes?

    I certainly have never compared notes with another guy, though I have had a couple try and compare notes with me.

    Which I just found weird, mostly because I didn't really believe them. "Yeah sure. And you never masturbated either."

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    we are sitting around talking about our 'fannies'.

    Hmmm... I suspected so.

    To be fair, Megan and I did have a conversation about vulvas last night. It was two lines long and the second was "Yeah, let's not."

    Nor have I taken a ruler to any other part.

    Um... no. I'm going to shut up. Just, as usual, a little bit too late.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    It's not that big a deal. A sustained hip thrust will always provide an extra 1/2 inch, and if even that's insufficient, I'll just switch to scissor-style.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Nor have I taken a ruler to any other part.

    Darling...I typed that, looked at it, blanched, and then thought, 'nah, Emma will love it. I will leave it'.

    To be fair, Megan and I did have a conversation about vulvas last night. It was two lines long and the second was "Yeah, let's not."

    You don't want to share what the first line was?

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it? And compared notes?

    Measured, yes, compared, no. TBH, measuring it is not that easy.

    Firstly, it's not a particularly arousing thing to be doing, so actually getting a peak reading involves distracting yourself.

    Then there's the question of which point to use as the other end, since the base of the penis actually goes right back into the body. I think the most 'accurate' measure would be 'as far as you can get the ruler along the top of the penis'. Ladies will probably not instantly see the flaw in this - that a solid ruler can actually be pressed quite a long way into one's body, if desperate for more inches (Digression, the tendons that get in the way of this pressure are one of the first choices for penile surgery - to make the penis look longer, they can be severed - it then hangs down and out a bit more).

    Also, solid ruler or tape measure? Tape can track the curvature more, but of course that leads to different statistical lies - the outside of a curve is always longer than the inside. If a solid ruler is chosen, how to deal with curves? Bend the ruler, or flatten the penis? Flattening is less and less tenable the closer to peak hardness.

    Also, if you have a foreskin, does stretching it forward count? Just for fairness to the circumsized, I'd say no.

    Lastly, peak hardness (and most likely length) is likely to be very close to ejaculation. Doesn't really lend itself to sober measurement efforts.

    But all of these difficulties (apart from the choice of base) only really account for about an inch, so you should be able to get a reading that is within an inch of reality. That might sound like nothing, but if the average dick is 6 inches long (for argument's sake), compare this to physical height - an inch roughly corresponds to a foot - we perceive huge differences between people who are different in height by a foot. That extra inch is the difference between being average or being a giant. Hence all the efforts to "squeeze out" those extra millimeters.

    It's flawed thinking, though. Physical height isn't really analogous. Yes there is an average for both, but the extremes are quite different. I've seen pictures of men with penises that are almost invisible, they're so tiny, and penises in excess of 15 inches. But there are no adult males who are under one foot tall, or over 15 feet. I don't know about standard deviations - I'm sure there's statistics.

    Girth is an even more troubled measure. Where to measure it? It seems likely that the girth is greatest on average at the base, due to all of the connective tissue, but again, I've seen pictures where this is not the case, penises that are much thicker at the end. And in terms of the sexual function, this would matter a great deal. The base thickness probably doesn't really matter too much, if the penis can't even be put in that far. To the hole that it's going into, I expect the dick that's fat at the end is likely to feel much bigger, because it can travel the entire length of the vagina (or whatever) on each thrust. Also, curvature might end up feeling bigger too, because the trajectory of thrusts will occupy more space - a curved sword thrust through something makes a much larger hole than a straight one, even if the cross sections of the swords are the same. Also, the circumference is not a perfect measure either - a perfectly round cylinder will have the most mass inside it for the surface area, so a flattened shape could actually feel bigger even if it might actually be smaller.

    Which leads on to the main reason why length is such a silly measure, really - the massive influence in sexual performance caused by "how it is used". A moving mass has greater kinetic energy, so a fast moving small penis could easily cause just as much impression as a slow moving big one. Since it's well within the powers of even an unfit man with a small penis to inflict great pain with their penis by thrusting too fast and hard, the idea that the big penis must feel better is bunk. Most likely, it is actually more limiting, it means the penis wielder must take more care, and will simply be excluded from intercourse with small vaginas (or other holes). So the guy with the really big dick never really gets to experience "wild abandon" except with a very small subset of partners who have exceptionally large orifices or very high pain tolerance. On the other hand, the guy with the small one does probably have to work harder - he can't expect to just laze back and have a girl gasping over a slow ride.

    But there's also a huge range in female sensitivity, size, depth and flexibility too. So 'fit for purpose' is going to be highly chaotic data set, really. One guy I know claimed that the first time he attempted sex with his girlfriend, he could not even get his little finger inside her, she was that tight (a 30 year old virgin - warning! Use it or lose it). It took weeks before they'd got to the point where he could actually get his penis in. But they seem sexually compatible now.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10653 posts Report Reply

  • Carol Stewart,

    Actually (joining the conversation late as usual) penis sizes are measured routinely in various other species, mostly in relation to studies of endocrine-disrupting pollutants that can cause masculinising effects on female animals and vice versa. Here and here* are a couple of examples.
    *Measuring alligators' penises sounds like an eventful day's fieldwork to me.

    Wellington • Since Jul 2008 • 825 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I expect the alligators don't measure their own penises, though. It's part of the reason why the only measurements I trust are done by third parties - for reasons I gave above the individual can scarcely be trusted to produce a reliable measure, even if they were honest about he results. But some scientist turning up with a ruler is going to do it the same way on every alligator, so they'll get real statistics (on penis length - female alligator satisfaction is still fraught).

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10653 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    I measure and compare regularly, as is my privilege as a promiscuous gay urban male. It's simple, really: if I can't get my laughing gear around it, it's big; if it makes me gag it's big too. It's unusual big flaccid penises grow much larger but small ones can catch you off guard. The fun is of course finding out.

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    do women sit around having good discussions about their fannies much?

    Well, they do expect you to come to the theatre so they can talk at you for hours about theirs.

    Whereas men just get all silly about it.

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • John Russell,

    Oh, I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

    One could probably express ones graph as an equation. And then, of course, have that equation printed on a t-shirt. For the ladies. Aw yeah.

    Auckland • Since Aug 2008 • 17 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    It's unusual big flaccid penises grow much larger but small ones can catch you off guard.

    Surely conditions can affect the flaccid size a lot. When I'm cold, or scared, mine retracts, which I expect is a safety mechanism in both cases.

    Reminds me of a story I heard in Ozzie, some girls I knew had been flashed, and called the cops. A male/female cop pair arrived and the woman questioned the girls about the guy, who they were unable to give much identification of because their eyes had been drawn to his penis, which, they gigglingly proclaimed, was tiny. The male cop apparently said in a rather hurt and offended voice "well, it is a cold night you know".

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10653 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    My, the things you learn from a stroll around PAS on a wet Thursday afternoon!

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2558 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    One could probably express ones graph as an equation. And then, of course, have that equation printed on a t-shirt. For the ladies. Aw yeah.

    The geeky, geeky ladies. Who are, of course, the very best kind.

    Reciprocally, we could have t-shirts printed for women that said, "My Breasts are This Big". Or just "Actual Size".

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    It's part of the reason why the only measurements I trust are done by third parties

    Perhaps we can measure each other's, right before we compare notes?

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Measured, yes, compared, no. TBH, measuring it is not that easy...

    Ben, is it me or you just took all the fun out of cock-measuring?

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    A cock length is the missing imperial measure between inch and foot.

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    I'd just like to note the importance of multiple sampling. Large numbers of measurements are the key to obtaining accurate results. Be kind to your statistician.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4458 posts Report Reply

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