Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: P.A. Story

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  • Megan Wegan, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    I dunno, sounds pretty hard core to me

    Boom-tish.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen, in reply to Megan Wegan,

    Boom-tish.

    There's an app for that.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3417 posts Report Reply

  • Hilary Stace,

    The story continues?
    'Meanwhile, back on the riverbank, someone or something was watching the faux Janet redhead and the kindly ref share their meagre offering of fish with the gentle piscatarian.

    A witch reclined on a branch of an unseasonably blossoming cherry tree, sucking chocolate. Curled up her lap was a mutant kitten, exhausted from a night stalking zombie rugby players.

    This was a post modern witch; whoever gazed at her had their own wiccan prejudices reinforced. Some saw the crone who scared and ate small children, others the stepmother of nightmares, the Shakespearean cassandras, the Salem victims, even Bellatrix or Hermione.

    As a third wave feminist, she happily accepted and claimed all labels.

    The tired manatee looked up and saw a golden-haired Samantha. “What a pert nose, you have,” she squeaked. (The manatee knew it was entering into the dangerous territory of body dysmorphia, but she sometimes regretted the close genetic relationship sirenians had with elephants, which resulted in a prominent proboscis). “Please can you twiddle your nose and send me home”.

    “Ok” said the witch, “but first you must try some of my latest batch of chocolate, it’s eye of newt and hazelnut”.

    Wgtn • Since Jun 2008 • 2096 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Boom-tish.

    There’s an app for that.

    Is there an ointment?

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Is geology-porn a genre?

    I dunno, sounds pretty hard core to me

    :-) Actually, cores vary in their hardness. Geologists of my acquaintance have been know to store the softer core samples in condoms so they don't fall apart.

    [and if you find that disturbing, think of the poor pharmacist who asked if the gentleman would like teat-ended or non-teat-ended, and was informed, "It doesn't matter, we're going to chop the ends off anyway."]

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3468 posts Report Reply

  • recordari, in reply to Hilary Stace,

    Curled up her lap was a mutant kitten, exhausted from a night stalking zombie rugby players.

    Janet, the farmer's daughter (Shirley, we must have one?) sidled up to the bar and Mike had her pint of Garbled Ale on the counter before her jeans settled into the chair.

    After a hard day haulin' oats, she savoured the first sup-position verily. Glancing over at the empty dance floor, her body swayed slightly as she sang silently to herself the earworm plaguing her all day.

    (Oh-oh, here she comes)
    Watch out boy
    She'll chew you up
    (Oh-oh, here she comes)
    She's a manatee
    (Oh-oh, here she comes)
    Watch out boy
    She'll chew you up
    (Oh-oh, here she comes)
    She's a manatee

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Okay, I'm going to intervene. This'll probably be a regular morning thing, because I write this stuff up at night. Given the degree to which the stock of Whisky Galore is involved, I really should have got them on board as a sponsor...

    So. I probably have as much manatee stuff as I can use. Or anybody could use. The manatee might need its own book.

    So. I have Tamsin, Hadyn, Megan and the Reverend Overbridge on the quest to find St Richie's winkie and restore Canterbury's virility. Or at least, this is what they think they're doing.

    - Tamsin has a secret. What is it? (if you want it to really be a secret, you can email me.) (Hadyn also has a secret but I know what that is and he should fucking be ashamed of himself.)

    - on their journey from the Red Zone to the chocolate witch house, what do they encounter?

    Also, I'm short on random lines of dialogue to incorporate in a sensical fashion. Also, I'm still using the #pastory hashtag to drop lines of story on Twitter, feel free to inject "next lines" in return. Remember the cornerstones of "short" and "funny". (My tweets also turn up on the sidebar here, so you don't have to be on Twitter to read them.)

    It's looking like, as I suspected because you're all so great, this is going to turn into a monster, and I'll write up much more than I'll end up using on the night.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Hilary Stace,

    Sweet, short and flakey #pastory?

    Wgtn • Since Jun 2008 • 2096 posts Report Reply

  • andin,

    it’s eye of newt and hazelnut”.
    Not my favourite flavour, come to think of it none of them are.

    raglan • Since Mar 2007 • 1230 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Hilary Stace,

    Hilary, my partner will be so happy. He was telling me last night that every time, he reads the tag as #pastry. I may have to add a small Danish character...

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Emma Hart,

    He was telling me last night that every time, he reads the tag as #pastry.

    Worryingly, I keep thinking of pastors.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 18964 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen, in reply to Hilary Stace,

    #pastory?

    My friends used to bake these, high in fibre.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3417 posts Report Reply

  • recordari, in reply to Russell Brown,

    I keep thinking of pastors.

    That's so page 2.

    [redacted] I'll shuddup now.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • andin,

    #pastry Worryingly

    A tasty pastry!

    raglan • Since Mar 2007 • 1230 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    Tamsin knew she was to blame, it was her geological love child that had undermined St Richie's virility. How could she prove to him that he could be as hard as the father of her child? She was wrong of course, St Ritchie was shaken by her revelations but he was metrosexual enough to deal with it. No, his weakness had deeper roots than that.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3417 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to Ian Dalziel,

    ©odwinned

    Word of the Year contender

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16760 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Thank you, Bart.

    Also, at Hadyn's request I'm changing the name of the pink-shirted ref character (who was, let's be honest, never really hadyn). So he needs a new name.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark, in reply to Emma Hart,

    Is it a male, female or transgendered character? And could there be a character somewhere called Bruce?

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3123 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Jackie Clark,

    Pink shirted ref character, at this stage, has to be male. Though, of course, not necessarily cis-male.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • andin, in reply to Emma Hart,

    Something that rolls of the tongue..... A'Ranano the referee ?

    raglan • Since Mar 2007 • 1230 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    Also, at Hadyn's request I'm changing the name of the pink-shirted ref character (who was, let's be honest, never really hadyn). So he needs a new name.

    Seth Orlan.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __,

    Richmond? As per Ian's suggestion?

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3468 posts Report Reply

  • recordari,

    Can we have a Māori Stormtrooper?

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __, in reply to Islander,

    Welcome to geomorphologic -urm, terms…

    Islander, I loved your blog post on geomorphology, thank you for that.

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3468 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    Islander - you write a blog? Where would one find that?

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3123 posts Report Reply

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