Public Address presents our weekly round-up of the important events in parliament.
CABINET ULULATES
There were scenes of “Islamic-style grief” around the cabinet table this week as Prime Minister John Key announced that New Zealand’s terror threat has been raised from ‘Phenomenally Low’ to ‘Stupendously Unlikely’.
Previously imperturbable ministers were reported as “tearing at their beards” and “ululating with fear” on hearing the news that a full-scale ISIS invasion of New Zealand is now a step closer. It is understood that justice minister Amy Adams had to be restrained from amputating one of her own fingers.
Prime Minister Key says that the increased danger level confirms his worst fears. “Many people aren’t aware of the difference between ‘phenomenally’ and ‘stupendously’, but the difference is actually an entire level of terror. That’s how serious it is.”
Uncircumcised
Minister of racing, Nathan Guy, has announced that he personally would rather die than continue living under the threat of a potential ISIS caliphate. The uncircumcised minister says that he expects most New Zealanders will feel the same.
“The National Party believes that voters shouldn’t have to worry about terrorism,” he asserts. “On this basis, I’ve asked my ministry to implement an emergency scheme to provide a tube of cyanide and a sachet of Kool-Aid to every home in the country. Let’s turn those frowns upside-down!”
Unlikely to the Power of Infinity
The Prime Minister has not ruled out the possibility that terror levels could rise further—perhaps as high as ‘Unlikely to the Power of Infinity’ or even ‘Rock Bottom’.
“In that case we will have no option but to place opposition MPs under house arrest for their own protection and implement our secret ISIS defence plan. This is a plan that the GCSB has been working on for several years, but I didn’t bother telling anyone about because I was so relaxed and comfortable with it.”
ED-209
The GCSB plan is centred on the development of a high-tech army of “Enforcement Droids” code-named ED-209. Prime Minister Key says the plan was initially envisaged to have started on a small scale with “five thousand armed autonomous fighting robots patrolling the streets of Parnell, Remuera, and Epsom to ensure the protection of New Zealand’s most vulnerable citizens”.
But the prime minister has now conceded that this modest target is unlikely to be met. “Most GCSB staff are ex-parking wardens or former call-centre managers. In hindsight it was overly ambitious to ask them to develop a robot army.”
Plan ‘J’
However an alternative plan headed by transport minister Simon Bridges is now seen as more promising.
“Simon intends to create a superhuman cyborg warrior by ‘upgrading’ a suitable National Party MP,” says the Prime Minister. ”He—or possibly she—will be surgically fitted with powerful robotic limbs, a machine-pistol, and a mirror-plated visor.”
“We are now searching for a donor candidate among our sitting MPs. Obviously he—or probably she—would ideally have previous experience in the police and justice portfolios.”
The Prime Minister warns that success is not guaranteed. “Simon Bridges is a well-qualified lawyer, but unfortunately has zero experience with surgery or robotics. The brave volunteer MP must contemplate the probability that things will go horribly wrong. We can only praise her courage in the face of almost certain death on the operating table.”
Staunch
“Of course, if Simon Bridges doesn’t come through then we will need to contemplate the next logical step,” says Prime Minister Key.
“This would involve the evacuation of myself and my cabinet minsters to Hawaii, and the relocation of the entire New Zealand population into hiding in the Urewera Ranges. The day-to-day running of New Zealand would then be sub-contracted to a board of ‘staunch’ commissioners chosen from patched members of the Mongrel Mob and Black Power gangs.”
The prime minister cautions that this would be a significant change to the way the country is administered. “But at the end of the day we firmly believe that only by putting New Zealanders under the control of convicted criminals can we defeat ISIS and save our democracy.”