Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: Oh, Cock!

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  • Lucy Stewart,

    However. I have never in my life had a conversation with a female friend in which we compared the sizes of various men's genitalia.

    I've always wondered how we were supposed to be doing that. Do they think we keep tape measures stashed away for opportune moments?

    (The scientist in me is busy going "And you'd need to take several measurements to account for different levels of blood flow. And possibly construct some sort of comparison chart for girth v. length. And possibly try and compare subjective to objective observations." The scientist in me is occasionally a little mad.)

    Amherst, MA • Since Nov 2006 • 2093 posts Report Reply

  • chris,

    That's some very special writing Emma, I don't recall ever reading anything so affirming to the little brotherhood. Years of self doubt and quandary banished in a handful of paragraphs. Your empathy and effort bring a tear to the eye.

    中国 • Since Jan 2010 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • Xeno,

    Lucy, by umm, touch.

    Since Oct 2008 • 25 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Lucy, by umm, touch.

    But then your data would keep changing.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 18991 posts Report Reply

  • Xeno,

    The maximum is usually the data-point of interest.

    Goodness, it's like you've all never had sex.

    Since Oct 2008 • 25 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    Great post, I enjoyed it (and felt affirmed- cheers)...

    but one minor quibble

    all the colloquial words for it are insults.

    Many, sure, but not even "nearly all"...

    todger, wanger, snake, cyclops, manhood, beef-whistle.... I could go on for ages...

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 798 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    However. I have never in my life had a conversation with a female friend in which we compared the sizes of various men's genitalia.

    It's possible I just know some really shallow women, but yeah, I have.

    Not in an x was bigger than y way, but in a "yeah, that was surprising" way.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
    Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
    It's swell to have a stiffy.
    It's divine to own a dick,
    From the tiniest little tadger
    To the world's biggest prick.
    So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
    Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
    Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
    Your Percy, or your cock.
    You can wrap it up in ribbons.
    You can slip it in your sock,
    But don't take it out in public,
    Or they will stick you in the dock,
    And you won't come back.

    - Not Noël Coward

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1039 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    Many, sure, but not even "nearly all"...

    todger, wanger, snake, cyclops, manhood, beef-whistle.... I could go on for ages...

    I have always so enjoyed blood engorged love truncheon . I have no idea where it came from, whether I made it up (I'm fairly sure I didn't) or whether I read/heard it somewhere. Either way, it makes me happy, as do penises. Fantastic things. Highly recommend them.
    Right, time to go and talk to little people.

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3123 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    The Pen is mightier than the... S-word?

    Do they think we keep tape measures stashed away for opportune moments?

    The cubit is a handy measuring unit
    one always has one on hand
    or at least at arms length...
    so if you can get a little forearm
    in the foreplay, plumb away....

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 5071 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I wrote this yesterday, but deleted it, as I do with most of what I write: I've never really trusted any testimony on penis size except for actual scientific data. If you ask women, who have laid hands on many more penises than I, you get results that fluctuate depending on how they want to make you feel.

    This doesn't mean women couldn't be objective between themselves about it.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 8599 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Your penis is also not the wrong size. It is, exactly and precisely, the size of your penis.

    Want to know something else: Porn lies. If nature has endowed you with a schlong that can do double duty as a draught excluder when fully erect, that's nice. Someone who has issues understanding why retching or intense rectal discomfort isn't your idea of sexy fun time, not so much.

    I'm sure Lucy will critique my methodology and unscientific sample, but I've found no correlation between penis size and being a skilled, attentive shagger. A bad fuck is a bad fuck - even if you're hung like that dildo Hori Ahipene was brandishing on Outrageous Fortune last night. (Oy... if it was Dune, that bloody thing would be an object of worship. Shai-Hulud! Shai-Hulud!)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12040 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    But then your data would keep changing.

    Exactly. You can't make those sort of comparisons based on subjective data procured by estimate while you're distracted. That would be unfair. And, worse, inaccurate.

    I'm sure Lucy will critique my methodology and unscientific sample, but I've found no correlation between penis size and being a skilled, attentive shagger.

    Anecdotes are very well, but I'd prefer some sort of graph.

    (Just in case: tongue firmly in cheek here, guys.)

    Amherst, MA • Since Nov 2006 • 2093 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    If you ask women, who have laid hands on many more penises than I, you get results that fluctuate depending on how they want to make you feel.

    I think the biggest problem (hurhur) is actually that most of the time we're not paying a great deal of attention. We will notice, as Megan implied, if the member in question is right down one end or the other of the bell curve, but the 95% in between? We're just not concentrating that hard, and nor should we be able to, frankly.

    Many, sure, but not even "nearly all"...

    You're right. I'd forgotten about 'todger', it's a wonderful word. I have my doubts about 'manhood', though. Not just because of the context you most often see it in (alright, I most often see it in), but also because it suggests (or indeed outright states) that your penis is the sum of your man-ness.

    Not in an x was bigger than y way

    Yeah, that was what I meant by 'comparative'. It's not like we never talk about penises. But we don't make ranked lists or anything.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Exactly. You can't make those sort of comparisons based on subjective data procured by estimate while you're distracted. That would be unfair. And, worse, inaccurate.

    This is clearly why I always have so much trouble with maths.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I've found no correlation between penis size and being a skilled, attentive shagger

    Wordy McFucking Word.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    It's not like we never talk about penises. But we don't make ranked lists or anything.

    We don't?

    (possibly nsfw, depending how you feel about swear words.)

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    have my doubts about 'manhood', though. Not just because of the context you most often see it in (alright, I most often see it in), but also because it suggests (or indeed outright states) that your penis is the sum of your man-ness.

    Something can be not positive or affirming without being an insult in itself.

    "I think Paul Henry is a manhood" doesnt really parse, does it?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 798 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    We don't?

    She rated their sexual performance. She didn't just get out a measuring tape. And I'm pretty sure that was never intended to be taken seriously by anyone. (Also, this is yet another case of me being utterly confused as to why a particular thing has garnered so much attention. If her presentation had been well-written and amusing? Sure. But it wasn't.)

    Something can be not positive or affirming without being an insult in itself.

    Yes. That was kind of what I meant but didn't say. It is WAY too early in the morning for me, obviously.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    Your penis does not look stupid.

    We don't think that. It is a glorious beast and we know it.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Actually, going back to the woman in that Jezebel article, can I just say, please don't judge women by her? I honestly find just considering what she did (albeit never intending the audience) really distressing.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    (Also, this is yet another case of me being utterly confused as to why a particular thing has garnered so much attention.)

    We don't need to go to a 'girls are meant to enjoy sex and indulge in twatcockery' place yet, do we?

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1273 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I think the biggest problem (hurhur) is actually that most of the time we're not paying a great deal of attention. We will notice, as Megan implied, if the member in question is right down one end or the other of the bell curve, but the 95% in between? We're just not concentrating that hard, and nor should we be able to, frankly.

    Yet it is my impression that women do have a concept of what constitutes a "good" (or even "great") cock, which seems to be as much aesthetic as it about dimension. Would that be true?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 18991 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Eade,

    It doesn't seem fair, having quite aggressively reclaimed female sexuality for women,

    I think more aggression and more reclaim is still needed.

    and Male sexuality needs more attention than telling us our todgers are cute, but a compliments a compliment. So out of interest what are you looking at when you're in penis judging mood?

    auckland • Since Mar 2008 • 1112 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Eade,

    Let's put some pictures up.

    auckland • Since Mar 2008 • 1112 posts Report Reply

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