Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Religious 'Innovations' for Christmas

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  • Craig Ranapia,

    Was it the Innovations catalogue that one had a charming photo smoothing away those irritating cheek cramps with a 'personal massage wand (batteries not included)' that looked... well, like it had run away from the nearest sex shop because the bigger vibrators kept beating it up.

    Certainly killed my Christmas spirit - along with the last pathetic remnants of my libido.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • Sue,

    is it wrong to actually want The Politically Incorrect Dalai Lama calendar

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report Reply

  • Graeme Edgeler,

    Read the Dalai Lama's hilarious and seldom-reported edicts against contraception, homosexuality, and women's rights.

    Well at least we have John Safran:


    From John Safran vs God

    Wellington, New Zealand • Since Nov 2006 • 3012 posts Report Reply

  • InternationalObserver,

    I love that video Graeme!! Maybe Close Up or Campbell Live could play it next time DL comes downunder?
    (But I suspect the Pope is no less enlightened either)

    Was it the Innovations catalogue that one had a charming photo smoothing away those irritating cheek cramps with a 'personal massage wand (batteries not included)' that looked...

    I haven't perused the Innovations catalogue Craig, but during the 70's a staple of the 'small ads' that ran in the back of the NZ Womens Weekly was the 'facial massager' that promised to smooth away wrinkles and relieve 'headaches'. It was 5 or 7" long (your choice) and batteries were not included. There was even a picture (drawn) of a woman holding it to her cheek. (And yes, it looked like a VIBRATOR - not that I knew that at the time)
    __you dirty dirty housewives!!__

    Since Jun 2007 • 909 posts Report Reply

  • Amy Gale,

    Craig: yes it was.

    (odd memory from the 90s: whatsisname and I scanned the ad and put it online one time - maybe to show the kids on talk.bizarre? I forget - and when my mother and I lunched at the Shiny New Internet Cafe near Kirks I bought some time and showed it to her, and we giggled, and then the time ran out and the picture was stuck on the screen)

    tha Ith • Since May 2007 • 457 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Hosking,

    Internat Observer:

    They were still pushing that particular 'face massager' in the early-mid 1990s when I was in Auckland.

    South Roseneath • Since Nov 2006 • 805 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    i/O, Amy and Rob:

    Thank you for confirming that I'm not a hallucingating perv - on this count. :)

    Sue asked:

    is it wrong to actually want The Politically Incorrect Dalai Lama calendar

    You asking someone who treats himself to a Nuns Having Fun calendar every Christmas? (Relax folks - link definitely SFW - unless the sight of nuns smoking and riding dodgem cars is offensive. )

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Somewhere I have a number of photos a friend of mine took of a window display at a chemist in Rotorua.

    On display was a number of vibrators - including one that looked like a cob of corn (!). The chemist was trying very hard to promote them as personal massagers, and there were all these handwritten cards with stuff like "Suitable for whole family!" "Use at home! At school! Take one to church!"

    Excuse me while I take my vibe-o-corn to church.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1878 posts Report Reply

  • Lyndon Hood,

    Was it on television somewhere (Fair Go?) where they pointed out what you found if you pulled apart Suzanne Paul's massage pillow?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1096 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    From Slate's series on sex, Your Grandmother's Vibrator. Probably not safe for all workplaces...

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 1599 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Excuse me while I take my vibe-o-corn to church.

    Try fitting this weapon of mass... distraction (link SFW) into your purse, let alone cranking it up for a bit of 'personal massage' during the homily. Sorry, folks, but I now have a Christmas New Rule: Anything that vibrates on Christmas morning will be discreetly posted on Trade Me before Boxing Day.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Try fitting this weapon of mass... distraction (link SFW) into your purse

    I don't want that anywhere near any part of my body. It looks painful.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1878 posts Report Reply

  • Rebecca Williams,

    is it wrong to actually want The Politically Incorrect Dalai Lama calendar

    if it's wrong, then i am so wrong. i want it.

    as for "face massagers" - i noticed those in the 80s as a teenager, and in the 90s too ... not sure if i've seen them in the naughties?

    Auckland • Since Mar 2007 • 103 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    I didnt realize Innovations catalogs still existed.... I have seen one in over five years....

    I wonder what I did to get off their mailing list?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 801 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    arrggh..... "havent" is the word I was looking for :)

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 801 posts Report Reply

  • Graeme Edgeler,

    Fletcher - maybe you pulled out of the AA? Or just throw out Directions magazine - through which Innovations catalog usually arrived for us, anyway.

    Wellington, New Zealand • Since Nov 2006 • 3012 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    It looks painful.

    And it sounds like the bastard child of a Dalek and a food processor full of gravel. (Don't ask...) This is supposed to be calming?

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    What a knowledgeable bunch you are on the subject of vibrators -- I've learnt so much (particularly from Rob Stowell's link)! Maybe this would be a good topic for an episode of PA Science?

    And thanks for posting the video clip from John Safran, Graeme. It sums up the whole Dalai Lama thing brilliantly. It's astonishing that some of his less-admirable edicts have been so glossed over. I guess that's the power of good marketing.

    P.S. Just rushing off to put in my order for a copy of the 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 993 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    What a knowledgeable bunch you are on the subject of vibrators -- I've learnt so much (particularly from Rob Stowell's link)!

    The Hamilton Beach vibrator looks awesome -- like a prop from the Flash Gordon movie. Did they do one that made milkshakes too?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 19116 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Ackroyd,

    David - you have to market the politically incorrect calendar. I would so buy one. And it has legs - you could do a different religious leader every year.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 155 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    I've learnt so much (particularly from Rob Stowell's link)!

    The Hamilton Beach vibrator looks awesome --

    Indeedy on both scores - though I don't think I'll be picking up any antique sex toys on E-Bay. I can just picture how fraught it would be explaining to David that I brought the 1902 Hamilton Beach vibrator/potato masher as an iconic example of early 20th century industrial design and he shouldn't read anything more into it. We can afford to get a new microwave oven next month. :)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    The invention, which toysinmotion.com recently began selling, is a special motor that serves as a connection between a cordless screwdriver and a conventional vibrator. Unlike other similar machines on the market, its inventor contends, it thrusts and swivels, thereby eliminating any need for labor on the part of the user.

    That's got to be some kind of benchmark, doesn't it, a society that's got too lazy to masturbate?

    BTW, Quickest Thread Tangent Ever.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4378 posts Report Reply

  • Creon Upton,

    I don't think I'll be picking up any antique sex toys on E-Bay.

    In Big Time Tom Waits tells a story about a shop selling "used erotica". You can imagine his tone as he says something along the lines of: "Now, certain questions come to mind here...."

    Christchurch • Since Aug 2007 • 68 posts Report Reply

  • Kebabette,

    Delicious.

    And you could probably wear a floor length caftan or waltz length lounger from <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kebabette/sets/72157602629209608/">First Lady fashion</a> while you are browsin the catalogues.

    Christchurch • Since Feb 2007 • 193 posts Report Reply

  • Kebabette,

    Christchurch • Since Feb 2007 • 193 posts Report Reply

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